Parenting Solutions: Cliques (page 2)
Is always the outsider, on the fringe; is never included or not quite "in" with the group; feels excluded or ostracized; is the victim of gossip or jealousy
The Change to Parent For
Your child learns ways to navigate the social jungle by identifying groups she would like to associate with because of similar values and interests, not just popularity, and learns ways to handle group rejection.
Question: "My daughter is always in tears because there's always one girl or another who is threatening to exclude her from the clique she belongs to. I'd love to call these girls' mothers and give them a piece of my mind. Should I?"
Answer: I would not recommend picking up the phone and blasting the parents. It could definitely backfire. A better response is to help your daughter learn from the experience, and the first lesson is to figure out whether this really is the right group for her. Talk about your own friends. Watch movies like Bring It On, Mystic Pizza, and Pretty in Pink. Expose her to other girls with whom she'd have more in common. It may take some time for her to recognize that true friends are loyal and fun to be with, but once she does, she'll be happier. Unfortunately, she can only learn the lesson herself.
A clique is a tightly bound group of friends who hang out almost exclusively together. Don't get me wrong: they're not always bad. They can be your child's safety net: the kids share secrets, hang out, enjoy each other's company. The danger is when they become extremely exclusive, and the ringleader's mentality borders on cruelty through rejection. (In the world of girl social research, it's called relational aggression.)
Pay Attention to This!
Dr. L. Kris Gowen studied 157 girls between the ages of ten and thirteen.41 Those girls who were socially ridiculed or left out by cliques were particularly vulnerable to developing a negative body image and low self-esteem. The research also found that the girls mistakenly believed that if they were just prettier or thinner, they wouldn't be teased and would be more likely to be included. But the only thing they did develop was a dangerous eating disorder. Tune in to your daughter's feelings about her body and weight, especially during the tween years.
One Parent's Answer
A mom from Spokane shares:
Sixth grade was a nightmare for my daughter. She'd come home in tears almost every day, saying the girls were leaving her out. I'd just always tell her to go stand up for herself. Finally I realized she didn't know how, so we started role-playing the situations she faced and then coming up with solutions. It helped Dana gain the confidence she needed to face those mean girls until she finally found a nicer group of friends.
Mean Girl Cliques Are Only Getting Meaner!
Deborah Prothrow-Stith and Howard R. Spivak, experts in youth violence and authors of Sugar and Spice and No Longer Nice, point out that girls are getting meaner and more physically aggressive.38 Their research shows that more than one in every four teens ages thirteen to fifteen who is arrested for aggravated assault is a girl.39 In fact, numbers for boys are actually going down, while arrests for girls are going up at an alarming rate. What's more, the greatest aggression increases are among younger girls, and most violence among girls is directed at other girls. Although new studies by the Justice Department contest these trends,40 most middle and high school teachers I work with concur that today's "girl scene" is far meaner. Regardless of the research discrepancy, this is not a pretty picture, and parents need to keep their eyes open.
Research shows that cliques are not only starting up at younger ages but also becoming meaner and more vicious. The pain from being ostracized, repeatedly rejected, or having vicious rumors spread about you can be almost unbearable. Luckily, new studies also show that there are things parents can do to help kids deal with a painful social scene as well as figure out whether it's worth getting into this particular group or moving on to another. Our children need to learn these lessons both for their school years and for their future. Cliques don't stop at graduation but continue throughout life, so learning new habits today only makes things easier later on.
Signs and Symptoms
Almost every child has troubles with a clique, but when you notice these signs increasing or lasting more than a few weeks, and your child's demeanor is changing, it's time to look further. Here's what to watch out for:
- Your child seems upset or defensive whenever you bring up certain friends' names.
- You hear or your child shares unfounded rumors or nasty gossip about her.
- Phone calls or invitations from pals stop; friends who used to drop by no longer do so.
- Your child is repeatedly left out of events where she had previously been included.
- Your child wants to avoid places she frequented with pals; resists going to school; wants to drop being on a team, scouts, or a club she once enjoyed.
- Your child badmouths those who were her friends; she doesn't want to talk about certain kids.
- Your outgoing kid suddenly becomes withdrawn, defiant, or moody; she loses her appetite, cries easily, loses interest in school, or has trouble sleeping—all around the same time that those friends stop calling. She comes home frequently from school or a social gathering noticeably more upset, angry, or sullen than when she left.
Step 1. Early Intervention
- Be a good role model. Do you gossip about your girlfriends? Do you put your friend down behind her back? Do you exclude other women from your group of friends? Watch out. Your daughter is watching! Be the strong role model you want your child to become.
- Get savvy. Although cliques have always been around, they are different nowadays. Kids are meaner and more physically aggressive. You can help your child navigate that social jungle better if you educate yourself about the social scene. See the More Helpful Advice box for a list of books about cliques.
- Stay involved in your child's life. It's almost impossible for parents to prevent their kid's involvement with cliques. So don't try. But even though your child may be pulling away from your family physically, she still needs you emotionally. Find ways to stay connected; one way may be by involving the moms of your child's friends. Try forming a mother-daughter book club with clique members and their moms (or find a new group to help her separate from the existing one); take up yoga with her (or with a few of her friends). Or just find ways to hang out together and watch her favorite reality TV show (and pretend to enjoy it).
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