Looking for Closer Friends and Joining a Friendship Group

Solving the Problem: Help Your Child Have a Few Close Friends

While it is not necessary for boys or girls to belong to a friendship group, it is desirable to have two to four close friends of the same sex. Girls and boys can make rewarding playmates for each other, and nothing I am about to say is intended to discourage you from helping your child maintain these opposite-sex friendships.

However, it is important for children to have same-sex closer friends since they will have playmates to play with in public places like the school yard.

Step 1: Ask Your Child About Favored Playmates

Find out from your child who she is spending time with at school:

Mom: What did you do today at recess?

Danielle: I played hopscotch.

Mom: With whom?

Danielle: Trisha and Joy.

Mom: Do you usually play with them?

Danielle: Yes.

Mom: Do you want to have either of them over to the house?

Danielle: Yes.

If your child does not have favored playmates at school, ask about after-school or neighborhood activities. If there are no playmates in any of these activities, follow the steps in Chapters Four through Six to help your child meet new friends.

Some children complain that they are being excluded from a particular friendship group they want to join. I feel it is a mistake for a parent to encourage a child to try to join a friendship group. Children who are complaining about not being included in a specific friendship group are

• Trying for a friendship group for the wrong reasons—popularity or status—rather than looking for children with common interests who would make the best playmates.
• Trying to be accepted too quickly into a friendship group—trying to get all the children in the group to include them at once—rather than seeking to establish separate friendships with each child. Establishing separate friendships is the best way to join a larger friendship group.⁴

Mom finds out her daughter Kate is being left out of a friendship group at school:

Kate: I don't have anyone at school to hang out with.

Mom: What about Evelyn? You play with her after church.

Kate: Evelyn is too busy with Abby and Sharon to talk to me at school.

If Mom decides with Kate that common interests are not strong enough with Abby or Sharon, Kate needs to look elsewhere for friends she can hang out with at school. Mom helps her do this:

Mom: Is there anyone else you like at school?

Kate: I like Monica, but she's not friends with Evelyn, Abby, or Sharon.

Mom: It's up to Evelyn, Abby, and Sharon if they want to hang out with you. Meanwhile, don't depend on them. Do you like Monica enough to ask her over?

If the answer is yes, then it's time for a play date. If something didn't gel with Evelyn, Abby, or Sharon, then maybe something better will happen with Monica. Otherwise Kate keeps looking for additional friends. Remember that it is not essential that your child belong to any friendship group, but it is important for her to have close friends.

Step 2: Linger for a Few Minutes Before or After School and Activities

Arrive a few minutes before the activity is over and watch from the sidelines to see whom your child is hanging around (read Chapter Six for more help):

Mom: [After watching her son, Alex, talking to another boy] Hi, Alex. Who was that boy you were talking to?

Alex: That was Jeffrey.

Mom: Does Jeffrey play with you at school?

Alex: Yes, we played handball at recess today.

Mom: Would you like to invite him over to our house?

Alex: Yes.

The next day Alex's mother can strike up a conversation with Jeffrey's mom before they pick up their sons (see Chapter Six for more help with this).

Step 3: Arrange Play Dates with One Child at a Time

You have a common interest with some parents: both of your children want to play together. You have found out who these children are in the last step; now meet their parents to arrange play dates. Although in-person arrangements are always better for first and second graders, telephoning can also be effective, especially for older children who will make the call (see the next chapter). Talk to whichever parent is picking up your child's desired playmate at school.

Here is an example of how making friends with one child at a time works, even if the girls start out by being hesitant. Margie, age twelve, is the occasional target of remarks made by girls in one friendship group. They call her a nerd because Margie's interest in reading and horses differs from theirs. She gets to know individual girls in this friendship group better through different activities: Mary and she are on the track team together. Joanne and Rika are in her drama class. In each case, meeting the girls apart from school in another activity leads to an enjoyable play date. Word gets around among the friendship group that Margie "isn't so bad."

Margie may not become part of the friendship group, but this will not matter since she has started to form close friendships and neutralized the girls' negative image of her.

The Next Step

You've helped your child get to know other children better because she likes and shares common interests with them. Many children will make the mistake of wanting to be a part of a group even though they don't like the members. If your child selects friends for the wrong reasons, read Chapters Fifteen and Sixteen. If your child is a good judge of potential friends, read Chapters Ten and Twelve to help you plan play dates, and read Chapter Fifteen to help you encourage beneficial friendship choices.

Notes

¹ Eder, D., & Hallinan, M. (1978). Sex differences in children's friendships. American Sociological Review, 43, 237-250.

² Paxton, S. J., Schutz, H. K., Wertheim, E. H., & Muir, S. L. (1999). Friendship clique and peer influences on body image concerns, dietary restraint, extreme weight-loss behaviors, and binge eating in adolescent girls. Journal of Abnormal Behavior, 108, 255-266.

³ Adler, P. A., & Adler, P. (1995). The dynamics of inclusion and exclusion in preadolescent cliques. Social Psychology Quarterly, 58, 145-162.

⁴ Paxton et al. (1999).