Roommates: How Can I Deal with the Roommate from Hell?

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From her own experiences and those she's gained as a Resident Assistant at Northern Arizona University, Erika Brant knows that talking things out is most often the best solution to roommate disputes. Open discussion, she says, is a catalyst for positive change; once both sides hear what the other has to say, they can forge a compromise to satisfy each other's requests. It may not result in the pair becoming best friends, but it frequently fosters a peaceful coexistence.

She also knows that occasionally it doesn't work out. "Sometimes it is impossible for roommates to get over conflicts and the only solution is to separate them," she says.

It's a last-resort solution for many schools, only considered after multiple meetings with R.A.s, hall directors, and other officials have failed. Because the college must negotiate which student leaves the room and find a new place for that student, they prefer to avoid the hassle by getting the conflicted students to work it out. Many schools won't even consider a roommate-change request in the first few weeks of the semester because so many roommates think their dispute is impossibly intractable.

It helps to know if you're a legitimate candidate for a roommate change. "There is a major difference between a roommate from hell and one that you just don't like," says Brian Bamberger (University of Illinois at Urbana"Champaign, Class of 2006). "There are roommates you don't get along with and wouldn't really socialize with"but they don't do things that just make your life a nightmare."

A language and culture barrier, opposite tastes in music"music his roommate never played softly"and some old-fashioned stubbornness made for a miserable first year for Mike (Columbia University).

After months of spats and miscommunication, Mike returned to the room one day to find his roommate installing a large speaker system in the center of their small double room. He knew it was the last straw. The relationship had failed. But both guys were obstinate. Neither wanted to move out, because at that point in the year, the other would likely reap the extra benefit of getting the entire room to himself. They ended up partitioning the room, with a flag improvised as a barrier between the two sides. They didn't communicate, and both tolerated the uncomfortable arrangement for the rest of the school year.

Anisa Mohanty suggests that if you're stuck in a bad situation, do your best to persevere and try not to make a bad situation worse. "Don't be equally obnoxious just out of spite," she says. "Let it go. Perhaps you can switch roommates . . . otherwise, put your headphones on and do your thing. Or go hang out ­elsewhere."

This isn't to suggest that you should avoid your room all the time. You live there and should feel free to come and go as you please. At the same time, however, if you're stuck with a roommate you really can't stand, and the relationship has broken down, it's healthier for you to minimize the time you spend with the other person. Even if the two of you can't stand each other, you both might agree to scheduling time to be in and out of the room, because it benefits both of you.

Fortunately, it rarely reaches this point. "While many people fear the roommate from hell, it is a pretty rare occurrence"or at least in my experience," says Brian Bamberger. "Only one of my friends has ever had major problems with his roommate. Most roommates get along fairly well"or at least don't do anything drastic to make living together a nightmare."