Roommates: How Can I Tell My Roommate About Something That's Annoying Me?

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You'd probably tell a good friend if she had a piece of lettuce stuck between her front teeth. Of course you would"you're a good friend. But would you tell her if you noticed a small scuff mark on the back of her new shoes? Probably not.

Students say that knowing when to speak up is important, but it's also vital to know when to keep quiet. These skills help them smooth over rough patches with roommates before they escalate into tense situations. Good roommates know that no matter how much alike they are, no matter how well they know each other, and no matter how nice they are to each other, there are times when something rubs one of them the wrong way.

It's tough to broach these issues with roommates, but it's necessary, because not doing so can lead to a bigger problem. The most important step, students say, is how you present the situation.

Using a light touch is most helpful. An overly serious, dramatic, or, worst of all, angry request won't get results. And a touch of humor can only improve your chances for success.

Vinda Rao (Tufts University) has seen how humor can clear the air with an issue that drives a wedge between many roommates: sloppiness. A roommate who observes a mess, stumbles over it, and gets disgusted by it, without discussing it, might quickly move to not discussing anything with her roommate.

"I'm not the neatest person in the world, and my roommate, who luckily turned out to be a great friend, started off by saying, Vinda, could you please consider maybe possibly picking up those books on the floor?' I looked at her like she had three heads," she recalls. "Then she laughed and said, Dude, get your stuff off the floor before I trip over it and sue you.' Obviously she wasn't serious, but being friendly with me and making a joke about it won me over, and I cleaned the room within an hour."

Vinda's glad her roommate told her about the messiness issue. It wasn't much trouble to fix and it allowed them to continue getting along. All too often, it only takes one episode of poor communication to send an otherwise good relationship down the drain. "Don't dance around the issue," Vinda says. "If something's getting on your nerves, tell your roommate directly, and tell them as soon as you feel annoyed. Letting something fester usually results in a huge blowout."

J.C. Ratigan (Texas Christian University, ) is familiar with the prevailing advice against bottling up one's feelings. "But in my case that's exactly what I did," he remembers of his freshman year, "and I just got more and more annoyed."

He agrees that the delivery of the message is critical. If you're too casual with a request, the roommate may not take you seriously, he says. And coming on too strong is a total turn-off. He says it depends on the roommate"so look for signs that he's trying to accommodate your direct request, and if not, bring it up gently, but seriously, a second time.