Interpersonal Issues at College

Buy this book »

For students who live away from home during their college years, adjusting to shared living with one or two roommates is both an opportunity and a challenge. When things go right, life-long friendships develop. But one of the most common complaints heard by college counseling services is roommate problems. The students' solution to the bad-roommate problem is to request a different room­ mate, but many colleges grant that request only in exceptional circumstances. Administrators know that if they let all students who don't get along move, they would spend the entire year playing musical rooms.

One of your child's developmental tasks while away at college is to learn how to get along with others, how to problem-solve differences, and how to live in less-than-perfect surroundings. Some do this very well; others find themselves in situations that seem unbearable, and they feel much anxiety over the question of whether to deal with it themselves or ask for their parents' help. This uncertainty, combined with the problem itself, leaves many kids disturbed and unhappy.

Learning to Share

In many cases, roommate problems are a simple matter of learning to share and compromise. Our kids' first lesson in sharing usually comes in kindergarten, but their second and biggest lesson comes in college. For some kids, this is the first time they have lived in crowded conditions. Many homes today have enough bedrooms for each sibling to have his or her own room and also have several bathrooms. Many kids have their own TV, computer, stereo, and phone. College throws them into a small, often scruffy or anti­ septic room where they suddenly have to adjust to another person's constant presence, as well as that person's preferences in music, TV programs, friends, and sleep and study habits. Eventually most adjust and learn the valuable lesson of how to agree to disagree. That's what happened to Erin:

"I came to college from a high school with absolutely no diversity," Erin says with a shrug of honesty. "So I subconsciously gravitated toward people who looked like me and dressed like me. That made me feel more at ease"more at home. But then in my sophomore year, I was randomly assigned to room with a girl who was my polar opposite: flip-flops versus shit-kicker boots; Dave Matthews Band preppy versus a punk rocker."

Erin was sure it was going to be a terrible year. She did not want to live with someone she had nothing in common with. But one night, while they were walking along a beach, Erin learned that there was more to a person than first appearances. "Although we grew up in different worlds," says Erin, "we were not so very different after all. I learned that she had a deep love and respect for animals. So do I! She also loved music that related to her life; it was a different kind of music than I listened to, but we suddenly realized that our lives were kind of like different songs singing the same message."

Erin admits that if she had not been forced to live with her roommate, there is little chance that they would have become friends. "I would never have approached my roommate in the cafeteria or during a class," she says, "but ironically, now I know that out of all the people I've met at college, the one who looked the least like me turned out to be the one most like me both spiritually and morally. My experience with this wonderful person has given me a new outlook on my own life and a new respect for the differences in other people."

Significant Problems

In some circumstances, the pressures caused by mismatched roommates are enormous and not easily ignored or solved. Following are a few examples of roommate situations that can disrupt the emotional and mental health of college students.