Interpersonal Issues at College

Learning to Share

In many cases, roommate problems are a simple matter of learning to share and compromise. Our kids' first lesson in sharing usually comes in kindergarten, but their second and biggest lesson comes in college. For some kids, this is the first time they have lived in crowded conditions. Many homes today have enough bedrooms for each sibling to have his or her own room and also have several bathrooms. Many kids have their own TV, computer, stereo, and phone. College throws them into a small, often scruffy or anti­ septic room where they suddenly have to adjust to another person's constant presence, as well as that person's preferences in music, TV programs, friends, and sleep and study habits. Eventually most adjust and learn the valuable lesson of how to agree to disagree. That's what happened to Erin:

"I came to college from a high school with absolutely no diversity," Erin says with a shrug of honesty. "So I subconsciously gravitated toward people who looked like me and dressed like me. That made me feel more at ease"more at home. But then in my sophomore year, I was randomly assigned to room with a girl who was my polar opposite: flip-flops versus shit-kicker boots; Dave Matthews Band preppy versus a punk rocker."

Erin was sure it was going to be a terrible year. She did not want to live with someone she had nothing in common with. But one night, while they were walking along a beach, Erin learned that there was more to a person than first appearances. "Although we grew up in different worlds," says Erin, "we were not so very different after all. I learned that she had a deep love and respect for animals. So do I! She also loved music that related to her life; it was a different kind of music than I listened to, but we suddenly realized that our lives were kind of like different songs singing the same message."

Erin admits that if she had not been forced to live with her roommate, there is little chance that they would have become friends. "I would never have approached my roommate in the cafeteria or during a class," she says, "but ironically, now I know that out of all the people I've met at college, the one who looked the least like me turned out to be the one most like me both spiritually and morally. My experience with this wonderful person has given me a new outlook on my own life and a new respect for the differences in other people."

Significant Problems

In some circumstances, the pressures caused by mismatched roommates are enormous and not easily ignored or solved. Following are a few examples of roommate situations that can disrupt the emotional and mental health of college students.

Psychological Disorders

Some students arrive at college with diagnosed disorders that make it virtually impossible to room with certain types of people. Steven, for example, has an obsessive-compulsive disorder and cannot sleep or study in a messy room. When he was paired with a roommate who littered the room with old food wrappings and wet towels, he suffered great anxiety, and this interfered with his ability to focus on academic work. He requested a single room, but it wasn't available. Sometimes a school disability coordinator can help in these circumstances.

Many schools make an effort to match the likes, dislikes, and needs of their students when assigning roommates. When that's the case, the student must be honest about any psychological disorders or other personal quirks that would interfere with comfortable living. Students with certain psychological disorders can make life very difficult for their roommates.

This was the case for Maya, whose roommate, Katlyn, suffered from anorexia. It wasn't long before their dorm room became a sort of halfway house where Maya spent much time and energy nurturing Katlyn. She would bring her small meals several times a day and encourage her to eat; she made sure Katlyn went to all her classes and helped her to complete her assignments when lack of nourishment made Katlyn too exhausted to concentrate. Maya didn't like playing nursemaid, but she ­ couldn't turn her back on someone in need. When Maya's parents heard the whole story, they were very upset because they felt that this was detracting from their daughter's educational and social experience. They were not paying top dollar so their daughter could be someone else's keeper. But Maya felt responsible for Katlyn and didn't know where to draw the line. Soon she had not only the stress of caring for her roommate but also the stress of fighting with her parents over the situation.

Like the population at large, many college students have psychological disorders. Coping with their problems while sharing a room with someone else can be an overwhelming challenge.

Overnight Guests

It's not unusual for college kids to invite off-campus friends for a visit and allow them to stay in their rooms overnight. When this happens on an occasional basis, their roommates learn to be accommodating and patient. But some kids let their friends practically move in, and that is a major imposition on the roommate whose space is invaded and whose sleep is constantly disturbed. All dorm students want to get along and want to be liked by their roommates, so many put up with behaviors and activities that bother them, but after awhile, they have to decide if the friendship is worth the trouble. Reporting a roommate who breaks the overnight rules is a big step fraught with fear and anxiety, but that's part of learning to stand up for one's rights. Not all college-age kids are ready to take that step.

The overnight situation gets even more difficult when the overnight guest is a sexual partner. It's hard enough for young adults to sort out their own sexuality, but dealing with the sexual exploits of a roommate can be more than they can handle. It's not unusual for resident life administrators to hear complaints like Tim's who said, "It was bad enough when my roommate kept bringing his girlfriend into the room during the day to have sex and expected me to get lost for an hour, but now she's staying overnight. I can't sleep with them making all that noise, but where am I supposed to go?"

Roommates may notice what appears to be out-of-control sexual behavior: bringing different partners home several times a week, sometimes associated with out-of-control drinking. It is very difficult for students to confront one another about these issues for fear of rejection, when in fact, the roommate really needs a direct conversation about the impact of the behavior from someone who cares. This situation calls for strong interpersonal skills and self-­ confidence that not all college-age students have.

Alcohol and Drug Use

It's no secret that some college kids abuse alcohol and recreational drugs. But when a roommate turns the dorm room into the corner bar or crack house, this is a serious situation. If the bystander roommate turns in the offender, he risks being isolated and shunned as an informer and "goody-goody." But the consequences for having alcohol or recreational drugs in a dorm room are often severe, so ignoring the situation also puts the roommate at risk for being busted along with everybody else. So what's the innocent party to do? Whether he or she turns in the roommate or not, the innocent party will live with tension and fear, always fuel for major emotional problems.

The Hard Facts

Here are some of the results of a survey of 29,230 college students conducted by the American College Health Association (the full survey results are available in Appendix A).^* These numbers highlight the reason it's so important for parents to understand the stress and anxiety their college-age children struggle to cope with:

• 15.3 percent said they had relationship difficulties within the last year.
• 9.8 percent felt that alcohol use had affected their academic performance.
• 33.6 percent did something they later regretted while drinking.
• 16.4 percent had unprotected sex while drinking.
• 45.4 percent did not get enough sleep on many of the previous seven days to feel rested upon waking.

^*Reprinted from the report American College Health Association. National College Health Assessment: Reference Group Executive Summary Spring 2002 (Baltimore, Md.: American College Health Association, 2003).