Communication, Trust and Negotiation

You may not believe what I’m about to say, although here goes ... “You cannot control your children (nor can I control mine).” No matter what we say or do, ultimately, children will decide what they will do next. We have to teach them to make the best decisions they are capable of making, for themselves, while we are not around. In the meantime, we can focus on the things that we do control: the rules, structures, and consequences of our children’s actions. Even then, they may choose to follow them or not depending on what they believe about the risks they take and the consequences that follow. This is not an article about parenting although when it comes to guarding kids in a high-tech world, I would like to offer a few brief tips.

Communication and trust are certainly very important processes in the context of overall effective parenting. When it comes to supervising children in a high-tech world, they are critical. Their exists a delicate balance between giving children their “space” or freedom to be autonomous and staying informed of what they are doing (i.e., supervising). To know everything that a child is up to is unrealistic and, I think, unnecessary. Yet, at the same time, as parents we fear that, at any given time, our children may be involved in an experience that puts them at risk without our knowledge. To complicate the matter, communication and trust are two relationship behaviors that are interdependent. That is, healthy communication leads to enhanced trust although, without trust, communication is difficult at best. When we engage in meaningful, caring, and positive communication, we experience this as “bonding.” Our children believe that we understand them in their world. They perceive us as accepting and endearing. So how can adults facilitate a trusting relationship based on effective and appropriate communication? Tough question. The answer deserves much more space than allotted in this book although I do want to provide you with a few thoughts that should help.

First, let’s take a look at what healthy communication is not. Especially with children, communication is not the same as interrogating, questioning, or lecturing which typically occur when the interaction stems from anger, suspicion, or guilt. Instead of being suspicious, be curious. Investigate the situation, not the child. Ask questions that help you learn, not help you to establish a case against the “accused” as if you were in a courtroom. If you find yourself using the word “you” a great deal, it probably sounds like an accusatory lecture which, more often than not, is a trust and communication killer. As much as possible, keep the focus on yourself by using the word “I” such as in, “I am worried about your level of safety when you chat online with others who I don’t know.” Also, “I wonder about how having a cell phone might distract you from homework?” Have relaxed conversations about your child’s use of technology when the situation is calm, in the absence of any problems of issues. Do this from a point of being interested.

Understanding is also important. Kids need to understand that the rules and precautions you establish exist for their own safety and well-being. That it would probably be much easier on you to just let them do whatever they want although this would not be in their best interest or care. Explain to children this part of your job in a way they can comprehend and appreciate, using familiar analogies from everyday living. For instance, with middle and high school-aged students, you might use helpful analogies such as driving a car. No matter how skillful one is behind the wheel of a vehicle, one must still practice “defensive driving” and following the “rules of the road” to stay safe from the dangers posed by others who use the same roads. The overall message is, “I trust that you are responsible and cautious although I still worry about how others can hurt you.”

Some things are simply not negotiable such as letting a child cross a busy street by herself, without holding hands, at the age of, let’s say, 5. Even though she may already be a good driver as evidenced by her high scores on the Crazy Taxi video game, you would probably just have to say “no” to letting your 9 year old take the family van out for a spin. What about getting a MySpace account? How about watching a PG-13 movie or chatting online? Should he really own his own cell phone? These questions are not as clear cut as the risk may not be as apparent. Yet, your child may have some logical and compelling arguments for doing these things that may be tough to debate. So when and how much do you give in? Here are some factors to consider and tips for deciding:

First, don’t give in just because it’s easier on you. Kids can wear you down although it’s important to stay in the game and continue focusing on what is right. If you are tired, delay your decision until later, catch your breath, and think it over. Make sure your spouse or partner is “on board.” If your child continues to engage, explain that asking more than twice is harassment and harassment is against the rules resulting in a default “no” and possible other consequences. If your child is not willing to wait for a decision, then again, the immediate answer is “no.” If he is willing to wait for you to “take the decision under advisement,” then negotiations may continue.

Second, realize that technology can be very powerful and extend our capabilities in incredible (and very much fun) ways. Let’s remember, however, that “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” It is true that your child can stay in constant touch with his friends and get the latest gossip before it hits the streets. It is also true that she can correspond with almost anyone in the world. Although, should she? One of the ways to determine this is evaluating the purpose that the technology serves. What is your child trying to achieve by using the technology? For instance, what is the purpose of having a MySpace.com or other similar account? Ask questions such as, “What do you get out of being on MySpace?” If the answer is just that it’s fun or that it helps the child stay more connected, then figure out how she can achieve that in a safer way. How about calling those would-be MySpace “friends” on the phone. What about a more private e-mail directly to the friend? Could the same goal be achieved by meeting at the park to hang out? Perhaps your child’s rationale for having a social network account is to avoid being left out (i.e., “Everyone I know has one.”). Although not having something that others have can be uncomfortable or unpleasant, it is not fatal. In fact, not having a social network account actually gives your child something that the other children do not have – more time and focus for other important things such as studies and family activities. You get the idea ... What purpose does a cell phone serve for a 6^th grader or elementary school kid? Usually, cell phone ownership can be justified by the peace of mind extended to parents who can communicate with their children almost instantaneously. I agree, this is a wonderful advantage. But what about the potential pitfalls that I explained earlier in the book? This is the part of negotiation that begs for a compromise, a situation where everyone gets some of what they want although has to give up a little as well. This can lead to a win-win outcome. In the case of cell phone ownership, remember, the goal is to give the child the capability of anytime and anywhere communication with her parent/guardian and members of the emergency response community. This can be achieved by a limited use cellular phone, one that restricts the types of outgoing and incoming calls.

In the course of negotiations, remember to be objective. Be careful about allowing sensational stories propagated by the media to skew your judgement. Do your homework by investigating any technology by searching online and asking other parents. There are always both potential benefits and risks to using any technology. I’ve mentioned it earlier in the book, the value of technology is determined by its use, not the technology itself. A hammer can be used to build a house or commit a murder, depending on the users intentions. Assess the benefits versus the risks and whenever you deem it safe enough, do allow your child his request. Negotiating is never about control or the upper hand. Always keep in mind outcomes that are in the best interest of your child and how the negotiations can enhance your relationship. I would also add that allowing your child to deal with some reasonable risk can be a valuable learning experience and allows him to demonstrate to you that he is responsible. Realize too that rarely is anything in technology a “black or white” situation. Instead, technologies can usually be customized which allows your child to use them under certain conditions which you establish. For instance, perhaps you decide that your child may:

• Have an e-mail account that can only accept e-mails from people listed in the address book.
• Have an e-mail account although only you know the password and user identification.
• Have a MySpace account on the condition that it is set up as private and invitation only.
• Only use the Internet between certain hours of the day. Outside of those hours, your blocking/filtering software (eg., CyberSitter) shuts off the connection.
• May only use a web enabled gadget, including the computer, in plain view of an adult.

Third, as much as possible, focus more on what your child can do instead of what she cannot do. For instance, you may not allow your child to have their own cell phone although you may allow him to borrow yours now and then for special occasions. You may not allow your daughter to set up a MySpace account although you may allow her to set up her own blog which you monitor. Chatting using Yahoo! is a no-no although your kid may chat using http://xblock.isafe.org/chat.php.

Fourth, the same message may be easier to “swallow” if it came from someone else. If you can get another child, a friend, or other respected adult to relay the same message, it may carry more weight than coming from you.