Supporting the Development of Self-Esteem (continued)

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The Importance of Clear Limit Setting.  Another factor found to support the development of self-esteem in children is the ability of adults to set clear limits for children (Coopersmith, 1967). Setting limits for children becomes a challenge during the second year. It is during this year that children have growing sense of autonomy and independence. They usually wish for omnipotence both in themselves and the adults in their lives. They often try to obtain this omnipotence by wanting to be the boss of everyone and everything. You can hear the words as early as 15 months, which emphatically state "Mine." "Me do." "No." Some older and somewhat more articulate 2-year-olds might express the wish for omnipotence quite clearly. "Because I want everyone to do what I want them to do." At 18 months, children recognize their reflections in the mirror, and between 18–24 months they begin to refer to themselves with pride. As they recognize themselves as independent, they begin to make plans on their own and begin to see that sometimes their plans and activities are not what the adults want them to do. As they test the limits, they develop a growing sense of what is right and what is wrong as appropriate limits are set for them. Even though they test the limits constantly, they long to be accepted and loved in the eyes of the important adults in their lives. The limits need to be set in such a way so that the children gradually realize they cannot be omnipotent, nor for that matter can the adults. Whenever limits are set, children are helped if they are not shamed for testing the limits, and if adults can help the children to find an alternative activity that might help them feel competent. For example, children who keep trying to play with the pots on the stove may be able to satisfy the urge to be like mommy or daddy when they cook by having their own drawer of pots and cooking utensils that they can play with while their parents are cooking. Children who are given the cooking utensils to play with have at least experienced that their urge to be like mom and dad is a good one and one that is valued by the people that they love. This kind of confirmation of one's wishes clearly leads to the building of self-esteem.

Parents' Respect for Individuality.  A third factor (Coopersmith, 1967), which has been shown to be linked to the development of self-esteem in children, is the parents' respect for children's individuality. Children who feel that they can be themselves and have their own interests, even if they are different from their parents, are usually able to develop a positive sense of self.

Preschool Children's Wishes to Be Grown-Ups.  When children exit toddlerhood and enter the world of preschoolers, they usually have reached some resolution about their wishes to be omnipotent. Those who have done so successfully feel positive about their growing independence as well as their growing competencies. They begin to feel very grown up. They wish to be like grown-ups. Remember the 3-year-old boy who announced proudly to his mother, "When I am four and I am a man, I will get a car." They focus quite a bit of their play on trying on the roles of adults. Thus, you see preschool classrooms in which family scenarios are played out. Usually the biggest struggle children have in this play is deciding who will play the roles of mother and father. Most of the children are vying for this role and work very hard to resolve the conflicts connected with this dilemma. The other kind of play that is most often seen in preschool classrooms is that in which children are taking on the roles of superheroes. They are constantly battling large and dangerous foes and ending the battles in victory. They do not have much time to enjoy the victory because battles begin anew. This play may seem very limiting and repetitive, but it often has an important purpose. Because preschool children wish to be like the grown-ups in their world, they are constantly disappointed by the fact that they are smaller, less powerful, and less competent than the adults. The more they experience these disappointments, the more tenacious they may become in their interactions with adults and in their insistence in playing these games of superheroes in which they are the grown-ups in control. Their wish to be bigger and stronger is often so powerful that adults interacting with these children feel they have to limit the power the children seem to have. They may even feel compelled to struggle with the children over who really is bigger, stronger, and in control. The delicate dance that adults have to perform is to be able to set limits for children when appropriate while helping them face their disappointments without jeopardizing their self-esteem.

Just as limit setting and respect of children's individual styles is important to the building of self-esteem in toddlers, it is just as important in interactions with preschool children. Three-, four-, and five-year-olds have better developed language skills than toddlers. They can use their language to express their feelings and describe their experience of themselves. They can use the models adults give them to make some sense of their confused and conflicted feelings when they experience disappointments and conflict. Adults often mistakenly think that young children should not experience conflict or disappointment, and they offer children only praise and constantly try to bend over backwards so that children will develop a positive sense of themselves. Actually, this kind of approach to supporting a child's self-esteem usually leads to children who are unhappy and unable to tolerate conflict or disappointment. They do not feel comfortable being in charge of everything and push harder for limits, structure, and a more realistic assessment of their strengths and weaknesses. Self-esteem does not develop in children who are duped into thinking that they and their world are perfect, because no one is perfect. Children who do not experience conflict or disappointment are not able to develop strategies to cope with failures or disappointments and may often be devastated when they have such an experience. The result of this can lead to children feeling depressed and not positive about themselves at all.