Supporting the Development of Self-Esteem (continued)

Buy this book »

Children's Reactions to Limit Setting and Adult Expectations.  It is clear that children watch adults very carefully. Children are exquisitely aware of adults' reactions to them. It is the adults in children's lives who provide them with the standards against which children measure themselves. If adults expect children to be perfect, then children will feel that they can never measure up to these impossible expectations. If adults cannot set limits for children, children will not develop their own set of inner controls and will not feel good about themselves as they continue to test limits, looking for someone to support them in developing self-control. There are many ways in which adults can talk with children about their wishes and disappointments, as well as their developing sense of themselves. When they do this, it is important to talk with children in such a way that they know that the adults are interested in their ideas, reactions, and feelings.

Helping Children to Talk about Conflicts

Because children at different ages are struggling with different conflicts, it is important to be able to address them around their developmental struggles. If they successfully negotiate their developmental struggles, then they gradually build their self-esteem. The more success they have at each developmental level, the more able they are to take on the challenges of the next level. Nobody completely resolves conflicts and developmental tasks, but children develop personality traits and coping strategies, which help them to address these developmental challenges. They are helped to address these challenges when they are encouraged to talk freely about their thoughts and feelings. Although there is no specific script adults can follow as they are talking with children about their developing sense of themselves within the context of their developmental challenges, there are some ways to think about addressing some of the issues and challenges from one developmental level to the next.

The most important thing to remember when talking with children about their wishes and disappointments and their developing self-esteem is to listen to them first and not immediately tell them they are not able to do something because they are too little or not strong enough. Clearly, children need to be protected from doing things that are too dangerous and beyond their capabilities, but if they are told no as soon as they express their idea, they may feel that they cannot have such ideas and wishes and may feel they cannot do anything well. Adults need to set limits for children, but they can do so within a context that acknowledges the child's thoughts, feelings, and ideas and offers children a perspective on what they are capable of doing and how they are growing, changing, and learning. Let's turn to some specific examples from children in both the toddler and the preschool phases of development.

Toddler Conflict.  Toddlers are often heard saying, "No!" "Me do." and "Mine." They get into struggles with their parents when they cannot have their own way, and they can have very long, drawn-out tantrums when they do not get their way. They wish and long for omnipotence, and they become disappointed when neither they nor their parents have such power (Mahler, 1975). They are very persistent in trying to get such power, but they are always relieved when someone sets a limit for them. They go through a process in which they gradually give up the wish for omnipotence as they develop a of independence and more reasoning in their thinking, and when they are helped to feel confident and competent about their developing skills. Sometimes, when toddlers are at their most tyrannical, adults feel that they have to get into a struggle with them and often want to follow the impulse to say, "I'm the boss. You cannot be the boss. You are too little." Although it is true that the adult is the one who must ultimately be in charge, these kinds of statements shame young children and tend to make them feel that they cannot have their own wishes and ideas.

What Adults Can Say to Struggling Toddlers.  There are things adults can say to toddlers that will allow them to feel all right about the wishes they have, but that will, at the same time, help them to develop a more realistic sense of themselves and their world. Adults can say to a toddler who insists on being the boss of everything and everyone something such as, "You wish you could be the boss of everyone." The child may respond with something such as, "I am the boss." The adult could respond with, "Yes, you are really learning to be a good boss of yourself. You can be the boss of your toys and some of the things you like to do. You cannot always be the boss, and I have to help you or stop you from doing something that I think is not safe." Adults can also say, "Sometimes, the grown-ups have to help children when they are having a hard time being good bosses for themselves." These kinds of statements acknowledge children's wishes and desires and also give them an opportunity to respond with questions or a restatement of their wishes. While children may be disappointed because they cannot run the world, they will not be made to feel ashamed about having those wishes and will begin to see how they can achieve a part of their wish by developing their own competencies and hearing from others how they are growing and learning. It is important to know that children need to hear these comments from adults many times and in many different situations. The development of self-esteem and the ability to develop appropriate expectations of oneself is an ongoing process.

Helping Preschool Children to Talk about Conflict.  As children move out of toddlerhood and into the preschool years, they begin to experience a whole new set of developmental challenges. Children of this age are curious about everything. As they are further refining their sense of themselves, they begin to be very aware of the differences among their age-mates. They become interested in the differences between boys and girls and men and women. They are also exquisitely interested in the world of adults. They want to be like adults, and they may often look like little adults in their play as they imitate the important adults in their lives. The difficulty they have is that their attention is being constantly brought to the fact that they are not adults and that, in fact, they are very small and impotent compared to the adults they know. This does not stop them from trying to find ways of being more like their parents or older children they know. Consider the 4-year-old boy who wants to wrestle with his dad. He will often go into the wrestling match believing that he can actually win the match, but very soon he becomes aware of his father's strength and power and how little he is in comparison. If his father is truly holding back in the match, the boy may become hopeful that this time he will be victorious and intensify his efforts to the point that he either hurts his father or challenges his dad enough so his dad then feels he has to win the wrestling match. More often, the end result is the little boy feeling that he is little and not very powerful. Although this is a disappointment for a child, it does not necessarily mean that his self-esteem will suffer. Children will have reactions to such disappointments that they need to talk about and express their longings about, and there are ways in which adults can help them to do this.