Differences from Birth: Responding to the Temperamentally Difficult Child (continued)

The style of many temperamentally difficult children works against the establishment of warm, satisfying interpersonal relationships in several ways. First, they frequently appear to be insatiable and difficult to please. In my workshops I often comment, "You can spend 59 minutes of your time with a difficult child and they will tell you about the one minute you did not spend." When I say this, many parents of temperamentally difficult youngsters nod with exasperated looks. One parent said, "Dr. Brooks, just last night I devoted all of my time to my eight-year-old son. I received a phone call from my sister and told her I was playing with my son and would call her back later. You’d think my son would be grateful that I didn’t get into a discussion with my sister. His only comment was, ‘How come you answered the phone?’" Their insatiability is also apparent when they do not get what they want such as a toy or game or being allowed to stay up to watch a television show—in such instances they will tell their parents how mean the parents are.

Second, and related to the first point, is that because of their inflexible nature difficult youngsters lack the fine art of negotiation and compromise. Possessing an "all or none" mindset, they perceive any compromise as "giving in" or as one 12-year-old girl told me, "It’s like you’re surrendering and why should I surrender when I’m right?" They are frequently seen as "bossy" by their peers, demanding that you do what they want. Since winning is everything, they may gloat when victorious at a game but accuse the other person of cheating when they themselves lose. Obviously, none of these qualities will endear them to others. I recall a nine-year-old boy I saw in therapy who loved to play the card game "War" in my office. When he won he gleefully said, "I killed you." When he was losing he accused me of not shuffling the cards correctly. This behavior was similar to his interactions with his classmates.

Third, it is not unusual for difficult youngsters to wear a tense look, rarely smiling. The truth is that most adults as well as peers find it easier to relate to children whose eyes twinkle, who appear relaxed and at ease, and who constantly flash a warm, inviting smile. One mother brought in family photos to show me and said that she could not find one in which her son was smiling. She added, "He just never seems happy." All too often a negative cycle is triggered in which the child seems unhappy, the parents are unable to soothe the child and begin to either back away or become intrusive, and the child becomes even more tense and angry at the parents’ actions.

Fourth, a number of difficult children are hypersensitive to sound or touch. They complain that people are yelling at them or that the labels in their shirts are like sandpaper pushing against their body. They frequently tense up when an adult touches them. They give the impression that they don’t want you in their lives. In fact many of these children would welcome your presence, but unfortunately their style and hypersensitivities hide any semblance of a welcoming sign. In essence, they push away the very people who could provide them with support.