Perspectives on Discipline: Does Spanking Really Have a Role? (page 2)
Many of the questions I receive in my parenting workshops, in my clinical practice, and in e-mails concern the topic of discipline. The importance of this topic is reflected in the large number of books and magazine articles advising parents of the most effective ways to discipline their children. In reaction to displays of aggression in society, law enforcement officials as well as politicians will frequently provide their own opinions on disciplinary approaches.
Not surprisingly, the suggestions offered by child development specialists about discipline represent a wide spectrum of views, many of which seem to contradict each other. As a parent noted in one of my workshops, "The more I read, the more confused I become about discipline." I can understand why. I recently read two articles by child specialists, one of whom advocated parents using timeout, while another questioned the efficacy of that practice.
There are many different aspects about discipline that I have been discussing for years. Interestingly, in the last few months I have noticed an increase in the number of questions pertaining to corporal punishment or spanking. One father said that he read that "if kids don’t listen, a spanking can serve a useful function." This father added, "The article said that spanking was okay as long as the parent did not lose control and hurt the child." But then he wondered, "Do young kids know when parents have lost control when they are spanking?" A mother in the group noted that she had read that spanking should never be used. It is little wonder that parents get confused.
So with trepidation as one more child development expert, I am ready to offer some observations and advice about discipline. Obviously, while a number of readers may disagree with my views, it is my hope that what I have to say will generate reflection and discussion about this important topic. I would like to share in this and my next couple of newsletters my thoughts about discipline, including what are its main goals in raising and teaching children and how best to reach these goals. Given the obvious interest in the question of spanking, I will devote this column to examining this particular disciplinary practice. Future columns will address what I consider to be more effective forms of discipline. A few preliminary thoughts about discipline are in order.
First, a reminder about the meaning of discipline. We must not forget that the word discipline stems from the word disciple and is best conceived of as a teaching process. As a form of education, discipline should not be linked to so-called teaching practices that serve to humiliate, scare, or embarrass children.
Second, at my workshops for parents, teachers, and other caregivers, I pose the question, "What are the main functions of discipline?" or worded somewhat differently, "If discipline is an educational process, what is it that we are attempting to teach?" The initial answer I typically receive is that discipline serves to ensure a safe and secure environment in which children not only learn the importance of rules, limits, and consequences but they also appreciate the reasons that rules and limits exist. This is certainly a very important goal of discipline.
What I consider to be another major function of discipline is to reinforce the development of self-discipline or self-control. Daniel Goleman, author of "Emotional Intelligence," views self-discipline as one of the crucial components of emotional intelligence, a component that serves as a source of satisfying interpersonal relationships and success in various facets of one’s life. Self-discipline implies that a child has incorporated rules so that even when a parent or other adult is not present, the child will act in a thoughtful, considerate fashion. Self-discipline may be viewed as learning to take responsibility for one’s own behavior. Most of us do not want to be with other adults who lack self-discipline and are constantly yelling, shouting, saying hurtful things, jumping to conclusions, or blaming others.
These major functions of discipline challenge us to implement disciplinary practices that nurture self-control rather than eliciting feelings of anger and resentment in children. Let’s examine spanking from this perspective. I am especially influenced by the ideas and writings of a friend, Nancy Samalin, a renowned parent educator who is one of the foremost experts on the subject of discipline and the author of the book, "Loving Your Child Is Not Enough." In the February, 2001 issue of Sesame Street Parents Magazine, Nancy, together with editor Susan Lapinski, wrote a very thoughtful and thought-provoking article titled, "The Spanking Report."
Permission to reprint granted by Dr. Robert Brooks. All rights reserved.
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