Parenting Solutions: Disciplining Other Kids

The Answer

Oh, how parenting has changed. When I was growing up, if I misbehaved, I was set straight by the parent in charge, and if my friends misbehaved at my house, they were held accountable by my mom and dad. But these days parents are much more cautious about disciplining kids who are not theirs. The biggest reason for that policy switch is probably that our society has become so litigious. Parents are afraid of being sued if they touch or discipline someone else's child in any way. So parents are concerned about stepping over the line.

But there are times when I believe that a parent can't allow certain bad behaviors to slide and must hold the kid accountable. Not to do so sends the wrong message to your child ("Your friend can get away with that behavior, but you can't") and to the other kid ("This mom doesn't care what I do"). Allowing certain misbehaviors to go unheeded could be dangerous as well.

Here are solutions to navigating tricky issues of disciplining the "other" kid when the child is in your care and you are in charge.

• Get on board with the other parent. Anytime you are responsible for the care of another child (such as carpooling, playdates, or sleepovers), always introduce yourself to the other kid's parent. You can exchange emergency and contact information, but also bring up discipline. Here is a tactful beginning: "I'm so glad our kids are spending time together. Are there any special rules you'd like your child to follow?" (You can also exchange your rules.) "Kids will be kids, you know, so if mine ever misbehaves, please let me know and feel free to tell him your expectations. What would you like me to do if they act up when they're with me?" A brief discussion will clue you in to the parent's discipline views and whether there are any "red flags"; it will also make things a lot easier in case there is a problem. Also find out if that parent has any rules about special diets (no desserts, for example) and any values about entertainment, such as media ratings (only PG-13, or television is prohibited).
• Review ground rules. Lay down the law with your child before the friend arrives, such as no eating in the living room, running in the house, leaving your property without permission, playing ball in the house, using the computer, and so on. Consider posting your house rules on your refrigerator so they are clearly visible. Let your child know that your rules don't change just because he has a guest and that you expect the guest to obey those rules as well. Ask your child to review the rules with his guest or feel free to briefly explain them to any first-time guest. Your child needs to remember that the guest may have different rules at home, so it's only fair that he know what you expect at your home.
• Know your discipline limits. Think of discipline as a teaching tool to help the child learn right from wrong. "Remember, we walk in the house." "Let's share the toys." "Please stop yelling." "Mom and Dad's room is off-limits." Most parents have no issue if you remind their kids of your house rules or enforce them. The problem is when you use certain types of punishment. Here are some general no-no's of punishing other kids:
  • Don't spank or hit another child. Ever.
  • Don't yell at another child. The only exception is for safety issues.
  • Don't punish. You may not use time-out, take away the other child's personal possessions, or ground a guest from any future event.
  • Don't be too harsh or judgmental. "You're naughty." "Why are you mean?"
  • Don't discipline the child if his parent is present. Whatever the kid does, the parent is in charge. You may take the child by the hand and "return" him to the parent. You may tell the child, "We don't throw balls in my house," but you may not discipline.
• Make "safety" your core policy. Whenever you are responsible for another child, your primary concern is for his safety. You would expect no less of the parent who is overseeing your child. In fact, not to enforce safety makes you liable both legally and morally. So always step in for these safety issues:

Safety gear. Insist that the child wear a seatbelt, bike helmet, and any special safety gear for sports that he is engaged in. If he refuses, you may prohibit the child from engaging in the activity.

Aggression or cruelty. Step in immediately if there is any hitting, biting, fighting, slapping, or punching as well as any egregious cruel act (locking one child out of the bedroom while the other kids play).

Risky behaviors. Running into the street, climbing a tall tree or sharp fence, jumping off the roof, running with a sharp object, experimenting with alcohol, and playing near a pool are potentially dangerous activities that require you to step in ASAP.

Leaving your property. The parent entrusted you with the care of her child and expects the child to stay on your property, where the parent assumes you are supervising. Always get the parent's permission before her child leaves your house to go to another friend's, to the mall, or even to walk home.

Using technology with Internet access. Any computer or cell phone that has Internet access should be prohibited so that your child or guest cannot access adult-content sites.

• Use "cool" discipline. You certainly do not have to tolerate any guest's acting inappropriately. Just remember that the child may later share with his parent how you discipline, and kid's stories are often embellished. So stay as calm as you can, use a cool voice, and watch your terms. (Hint: if you need to separate two kids so they have time away from each other to cool down, it's best not to use the term "time-out" or to single out one kid.) "Looks like you both need time to cool down. Why not sit here a little bit and do something quiet until you're ready to play again." Of course, you can always discipline your own child. It's just best to do so privately to preserve his dignity.
• Call the parent for severe infractions. If you've tried all the cooler discipline approaches and the guest continues to misbehave, here are your options.
  • Issue a warning. Tell the guest that if he continues not to follow your rules, you'll have to call his parent. And if he misbehaves again, follow through on your word.
  • Separate the kids. Put your child in another room for the remainder of the playdate, but keep the guest in a central spot you can still supervise. It may be time to pop in that Cinderella or Old Yeller movie until the parent can pick up her child.
  • Take the child home. If you picked the child up (or know the parent is at home), call the parent and explain that the two kids seem to need a break from each other. Then ask if it would be acceptable to drive the child home. (Don't do so without that permission and never tell a child to go home without calling the parent to make sure she is there.)
  • Tell the parent. Decide if the parent needs to be told of the child's misbehavior (so that perhaps the parent can do the disciplining). Do realize that the child may give his own explanation, putting you in a bad light. A tactful, gentler approach is to use the "our problem" strategy: "This is a little problem we had today and last week. Since I'm sure you would want to know, I just wanted to tell you what the kids were up to."

Remember, every kid (even yours) has a bad day now and then and deserves a second chance. Talk to your child about the incident when the guest goes home. Get his take on just how important this friendship is and whether he wants to continue to play with the child. But if the guest's behavior continues to be a problem at your home despite your best efforts, it may be time to tell the child that he may not come over until his behavior improves. Just be prepared to tell his parents the same.