Healthy Dialogue about Misbehavior

It’s Your Problem. How to solve problems by talking to your first grader. 

Healthy dialogue between parents and children will prevent disruptive behavior in the short term, and will develop children’s social skills in the long term. Parents who wish to work on better communication should focus on three strategies: 

• Whose problem is it?
• Active listening
• I-messages 

1. Problem ownership. If there’s conflict between you and your child, you need to clarify the problem. If your first grader is upset, it’s their problem, and you need to use ‘active listening’ skills to solve it. If you’re upset, you need to put the problem into words in a way which lets your child know why you’re upset, and what they can do to modify their behavior. 
2. Active listening. Reflecting a first grader’s problem lets them know you’re listening and gives them an opportunity to elaborate. “I’m never speaking to Katie again.” “Sounds like something happened with you and Katie? You seem really upset.” Active listening requires not only reflection, but focusing the conversation on your first grader’s feelings. Remember to display positive body language – there’s no point in saying, “You found a frog, huh?” if you’re nose-deep in a cookery book. 
3. I-messages. Tell your child what you’re feeling, without them feeling like they’re a scapegoat. “I have a problem I’d like to talk about, Michael. When you fight with your sister in the back seat of the car, I get frustrated because I can’t concentrate on the road.” I-messages own the problem, target behavior, and explain it. I-messages can be used for praise also. “I was really pleased to see that you left Therese to play with her toys in the car, Michael. When you’re calm, it makes driving a lot easier.” 

For more information on effective parent-child communication, please see the full article: