Entering Child Care (continued)

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Many adults who find separation painful because of their own experiences do whatever they can to distract the child and not acknowledge what he or she is feeling. Far better to put the child’s feelings into words: “You’re upset that your mother left you.” It’s also important to emit a sense of confidence that the child will be all right and that she will be reunited with the loved one. Don’t go overboard, however. If you constantly reassure the child, she’ll begin to wonder whether you’re reassuring yourself because what you’re saying is not true. Better to be empathetic about the feelings and reassuring without discounting them. Your confidence and empathetic acceptance of the child’s feelings not only help the child, but give the parent some assurance as well that you know what you are doing and everything will be okay.

It’s also important to recognize that parents may have strong feelings about separation. It may hurt to leave their child with someone else. They may feel guilty. Some parents prolong good-byes because of their own feelings of ambiguity. These slow departures can be torture to everyone, especially if the child has shown willingness to be left but has second thoughts because of the way the parent is dragging his or her feet. In these situations, teachers sometimes have to help parents see how the child’s feelings are affected by their reluctance to leave. Teachers need to support parents and accept their feelings in the same way they do with children, without supporting detrimental actions such as agonizing, lingering departures.

Helping Children Cope

Some children are comforted and reassured by what’s called a transition object—some kind of comfort device, such as a stuffed animal or a favorite blanket. Having something from home that they’re attached to provides a link between home and child care. Leaving something of the parents at child care can help, too. One child was comforted when his mother left her purse (she carried her wallet with her) because he figured if she forgot to come back for him, she’d at least remember her purse. He knew how important it was to her. Many parents are already aware of the value of transition objects to help separation—though they may not call them that.

Providing something to do that’s compelling and interesting is a good technique for helping the child cope with feelings of loss. Often the child will migrate to an interesting activity or a friendly person after the pain of arrival is beginning to pass. Don’t hurry this process of moving to an activity or other person, however. Give time for the feelings. There’s a fine line between helping children cope with feelings and distracting them from those feelings. It is important that the feelings be accepted and acknowledged. It may also help the parent to know what you are doing and how you are using particular activities or play objects to help the child make the transition. It’s always good to explain the problem with distraction, because some families may have never thought about the problem of moving a child away from what he or she is feeling.

In addition, allow the child to play out the feelings. Often you can see children over among the dolls or out in the sandbox, working through what’s on their minds. This is a healthy way to deal with feelings that may be hard to express directly in words. You can also point out to parents what’s happening—or listen while they point it out to you. The parent may have a greater understanding of the experience the child is playing out than you do.