Fourth Grade: Listen to Me! Communication Between Parents and Children

How To Talk

The following techniques are taken from the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish.

1. Listen with full attention

A parent reading the paper and saying "I'm listening" is not giving full attention to the child. It is much easier for a child to tell his troubles if a parent looks at him, listens carefully and is not distracted by TV, the newspaper or other family interruptions.

2. Acknowledge with a word

It's difficult for a child to think clearly when the parent is questioning, blaming or advising her. Words or phrases such as "Oh," "Umm," "I see," along with a caring attitude are invitations for a child to explore her own thoughts and feelings. As a result, she may come up with her own solutions. This allows the child to first present all of her concerns before the parent engages in problem solving.

3. Give the feeling a name

When we urge a child to push a bad feeling away, he only seems to get more upset. Parents often fear that discussing a bad feeling or experience may make things worse, but the opposite is true. The child who hears the words for what he is experiencing is comforted. This is a growing experience. Parents don't have to solve the problems for him - just give him the time, acceptance and attention he needs to grow.

4. Give a child her wishes in fantasy

When children want something they can't have, parents often respond with logical explanations of why they can't have it. But having parents understand how much something is wanted makes reality easier to bear for children.

For example if your child's friend is going to Disneyland, she may also want to go. You might try acknowledging this desire first. Give your child in fantasy what she cannot have in reality. Try responding with, "I hear how much you want to go. It would be so much fun for our family to go along. I wish I could do magic and we'd be there right now! What would we be doing if we were there?"

After some discussion, you might want to end the conversation with, "It would be great fun to go, and it's fun to imagine the trip even though you know we can't afford it." Or, you may want to begin dreaming up a plan to save money for such a trip someday, if you believe it's appropriate. In the end, children usually understand that there are many things we would like but can't have.

Active Listening

Active listening is sensitive attention to a child's verbal and non-verbal messages, and reflecting back the child's total message with empathy.

Are you an active listener? Parents should make a visible and conscious effort to understand and care about what the child is saying. To test your ability, tape record or reflect back on interactions between you and your child. Listen carefully for four things:

1. Who does most of the talking?

2. How do you respond to your child's messages? Do you use feeling messages (responding, reflective listening, "I" messages)? Do you use feeling stoppers (judgment, reasoning, denial)?

3. Are you quietly attentive, or do you respond to your child's messages with empathy and understanding?

4. How would you feel if your messages were handled the way you treated your child's?