Friendships During the Preschool and Childhood Years

Best friends is a special category of friends. A child's relationship with a best friend is closer and more exclusive than are relationships with the more casual acquaintances most children refer to as "friends." When you ask children to name their "best friends," the number that they report tends to increase until about age 11, and then children become much more selective in whom they designate as their best friends (Epstein, 1986; Rubin et al., 1998). In one study that is often cited, Bigelow (1977) asked Canadian and Scottish schoolchildren what they expected in their best friends. First graders most frequently reported that having common activities was important. By the eighth grade the most important trait was an admirable character, followed by common activities, acceptance, loyalty, and commitment. Only girls mentioned the potential for intimacy (sharing personal thoughts and feelings) as an important feature, and only after the fifth grade. Children rarely mentioned physical attractiveness as an important characteristic in best friends. Also rarely mentioned were shared personal characteristics (such as both friends being shy).

Based on research findings, we can say that children's close friendships typically progress through the following three phases (Berndt, 1986; Bigelow, 1977; Rubin et aI., 2006; Smollar & Youniss, 1982):

• Play-based friends (ages 3 to 7 years): Play-based friendships are the most common for younger children. Children are good friends when they spend a lot of time playing together, sharing toys, and enjoying the same games and activities.
• Loyal and faithful friends (ages 8 to 11 years): Loyalty, faithfulness, and generosity define close friendships during middle childhood. "He shares his best things with me," "She sticks by me when other kids tease me;' and "She doesn't ignore me when her other friends are around" are common descriptions of close friends during this second phase.
• Intimate friends (adolescence and beyond): Intimate friends share their most personal thoughts and feelings. They trust each other to keep personal secrets, and they use each other as a safe base for exploring issues and problems that they may not discuss with anyone else—including parents, teachers, or close siblings. During adolescence, intimacy and self-disclosure distinguish best friends from other friends. Intimacy emerges in early adolescence for girls but only in later adolescence for most boys (Berndt, 1986).