Learning to Stop and Think: Parents and Parent Educators Offer Tips for Helping Children Learn to Control Their Impulses

Help focus restless energy

“A lot of (the impulsive behavior) for (my son) was holding and touching things,” says Wright. “Give their hands something to do while you’re trying to talk to them, something to play with while reading a story.”

“Active kids are physical,” adds Shannon. “Help them notice their bodies. Draw hopscotch squares outside, pound nails in a board, get out a jump rope. Rainy weather provides a challenge, but stomping in the puddles may be well worth it. Water play in the tub or sink or playing with cardboard boxes are other active indoor play choices.” 

Create clear expectations—and help kids meet them

“We always tell our daughters they are part of a family,” says Louise Wang, an Albany mother of two. “Having (the oldest) clear her plate will help her learn to be helpful. At dinnertime, we always tell her to bring her manners. Reminding her helps her not to do the wrong thing. We also use silly spoons so she wants to be there too.” 

“Take tasks, like homework, and break them into pieces,” advises Kim Wright, a Walnut Creek mother of four, so children don’t become overwhelmed. Kids feel more accomplished when the small tasks are completed.

Have a daily routine

“It really helps kids to have a set routine,” says Wright, “creating a pattern so they expect what comes next. Every night you do the same thing in the same way as much as possible.”

“We have a strict bedtime routine,” adds Wang, “where (our daughter) takes a bath, we dry her hair, and read a story, then she will go to bed. She knows what is expected of her.” 

“Learning what comes next leaves (children) less room to make poor decisions,” agrees Riley. Telling a child that in five minutes it will be time to go also helps them be more prepared for transitions, she adds.

Redirect when needed

“When my oldest is about to have an outburst while I am changing her clothes, I ask, ‘Ooh, do you want some yummy cereal? When we’re finished, let’s go and eat some yummy cereal!’” says Wang, “And she’ll forget she doesn’t want to be changed.” Talking with children about what they’ll get to do next can help them get through tasks they don’t enjoy.

“Redirecting is a wonderful way to modify an impulse,” adds Neville. “A kid wants to bang on grandma’s vase and instead you give them a plastic toy to bang. This is really important self-esteem-wise because you’re giving the child a way to follow their impulse without causing harm.”

“Kids have to learn to redirect their energy,” says Wright, “into maybe jogging, biking, playing music. (This helps them) learn to not be angry at themselves for having a hard time concentrating on what’s in front of them.” 

Relax before dealing with a frustrated child

“It is a challenge to see the bigger picture and not impulsively react to a child’s bad behavior,” says Kelkar. “Having grown up in India, yoga helps me calm myself and act rationally in a situation.”

Resources

• Stop and Think: Impulse Control for Children by Tonia Caselman
• Behavior Management: Impulse Control by Crystal Bowman
• Self-Calming Cards, by Elizabeth Crary, in English or Spanish
• Behavior Management Ideas, from Attention Deficit Disorders Association, in English and Spanish at www.adda-sr.org/BehaviorManagementIndex.htm
• Child care reference and referral agencies offer parenting classes and information on impulse control.