Smart Parenting During and After Divorce: The Art of Avoiding War - How to De-Escalate Conflict

Tips for De-Escalating Conflict

Many times, things get bad, but not bad enough to fall apart. These situations can move from tense and hostile to conciliatory, given the right influence and the right attitude. Here are some pointers for moving the conflict in a positive direction.

Schedule Meetings with a Definite Start and End Time

When you know you are going into a situation that will generate conflict and disagreement, it helps to focus on the fact that the meeting will have some type of end. Schedule your conflict resolution or your negotiation and settlement meeting for a finite period of time. This way you can remind yourself that at worst, your difficult interaction will end in an hour, two hours, or whatever time you choose. It might end only until the next meeting, but at least you can focus on some short-term relief.

Respond to Attacks with Neutral Statements

For instance, if during the process of trying to resolve a conflict your co-parent makes a sarcastic comment, you have a choice to respond with your own sarcastic comment, to point out the sarcasm and criticize the co-parent for it, or to acknowledge the co-parent's frustration and say that you are frustrated as well. Here are examples of all three situations.

Example 1:

Co-parent A: I would like to have the children on Thursday evenings so I may help them with their homework.

Co-parent B: Oh, really? When did you stop hanging out with your buddies after work to make yourself available to the children?

Co-parent A: I stopped hanging out with them after I realized the kids were being left with a sitter on Thursdays and failing all of their spelling tests while you were at your "I hate men" meetings.

Example 2:

Co-parent A: I would like to have the children on Thursday evenings so I may help them with their homework.

Co-parent B: Oh, really? When did you stop hanging out with your buddies after work to make yourself available to the children?

Co-parent A: You see this? You see what I have to deal with? She can't let it go. This is what I hear every time I make some effort to see my kids. Listen to me—I have a right to see my children, and a right to help them with their homework. If you feel the need to trash me every time I do that, what am I supposed to do? I want custody.

Example 3:

Co-parent A: I would like to have the children on Thursday evenings so I may help them with their homework.

Co-parent B: Oh, really? When did you stop hanging out with your buddies after work to make yourself available to the children?

Co-parent A: You know, I do not really think I need to respond to that. We are both frustrated. I wish we could just straighten out whether I may see the kids on Thursday.

The first two conversations bring more stress into the argument; the third conversation puts the antagonistic co-parent in a very interesting dilemma. If Co-parent B continues the sarcasm, she identifies herself as unreasonable, rigid, and unfair. If Co-parent B opts out of that mode of behavior, she can at least be excused for making an insensitive comment because her co-parent is willing to acknowledge that she is frustrated. It is a win-win for Co-parent A because he is reasonable and doesn't engage in the same type of immature behavior as his co-parent. Co-parent A also provides a way out of dealing with the can of worms opened by Co-parent B. Co-parent A inevitably wins out as the good guy, whether the conversation stays on track or goes south.

Example 3 is another great application of the adage that you can indeed catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. There is another plus side to this. Sarcastic retorts require exhausting mental energy. The last kind of pressure you want to have to deal with is having to provide witty and incisive comebacks every time you are harassed. It is so much easier just to remain focused on the topic at hand and to keep saying things like, "I don't see how anything productive could come out of my responding to that." This statement actually is a response to the taunt, one that says, "I will not allow myself to stoop to the level of immature name-calling that my adversary cannot avoid." Saying that without really saying it is an elegant and graceful way of allowing someone who is behaving stupidly to set and fall into their own traps.

Be Prepared to Give and Receive

Whenever you ask for something, be prepared to offer something as well. Conflict escalates when one co-parent thinks she is doing all the giving while the other is doing all the asking. In the same way, when you get something you want, don't just go to the next item on the list. Express your appreciation and ask whether there is anything else the other co-parent would like to bring up before you move on.

Avoid Backhanded Compliments

For instance, do not say something like, "I am happy that the kids will be spending so much time with the both of us. It would have been great if you had showed them this much attention when we were together." When you dish out enough of those, eventually you will get a reaction that affects other aspects of this or future negotiations.

If You Refuse to Fight, There Can Be No Fight

Finally, the most practical principle of de-escalating conflict is quite simply that it takes two people to fight. If your co-parent is fighting and you remain calm, eventually your co-parent will identify how unreasonable he is being, and it will be easier for you to show how difficult it is to reason with him. I have never seen a parent criticized or punished by a judge for failing to engage in a fight. People can sometimes assume that if they are not defending themselves it is an acknowledgement that they have done something wrong. This is an incorrect assumption. People who refuse to engage in petty arguments are more likely to be perceived as mature and in better control of themselves.

Quick Tip

If the co-parent asks questions or makes comments that should not be said in front of your child, say, "If this is important to you, we can talk about it in private."