Parents' Fighting May Affect How Kids Do in School

What This Means to You

Again, nearly every couple will have at least an occasional conflict, especially when you throw kids into the equation. But when you regularly fight in front of your youngsters, it affects more than just you and your significant other. Establishing a good code of conduct can help make your disputes more productive and teach your children how to resolve conflicts respectfully in and out of the home.

Whether your tiffs are frequent or few and far between, it's important to sit down as a couple and establish some ground rules when it comes to quarreling. To make your disagreements constructive and not destructive, keep these basics in mind:

• Stay calm.
• Choose your words.
• Express yourself clearly and appropriately.
• Model apologizing and forgiving (when kids see their parents fight, they should also see them make up — and not days later).

Of course, there are some don'ts to remember when tempers flare, whether the kids are home or the two of you are alone:

• No hitting, pushing, or threatening.
• No name-calling (even if it's jokingly).
• No making broad generalizations (this is called "globalizing"), like "This always happens" or "You never help me."
• No leaving unless you both agree to take a break or a "time-out" from the conversation (time-outs can help grown-ups, too).

If your kids are around and watching (or hearing) you squabble, it's also wise to add these other no-no's to your fighting rule book:

• No yelling.
• No cursing.
• No "triangling" your children into the fight — ever. In other words, don't involve your kids in your disagreements or expect them to take sides.

Also avoid exposing your kids to arguments about adults-only topics (for example, sex, money, in-laws, etc.). "Safe" arguments might be about hurt feelings or household responsibilities.

Of course, some arguing can be good. There's no need to always hide behind closed doors, trying to resolve your disputes in whispers. It can actually be healthy for your children to see you and your other half bicker. As long as you both follow the rules for resolving disputes respectfully, it's OK for your kids to see you angry and to hear raised voices on occasion.

Kids need to understand that everyone gets upset sometimes and that it's important for people in a family to be able to tell each other how they feel and what they think — even when they disagree. Children who know how to channel their frustration and anger with someone into something positive can learn worthy lessons about life — compromising and negotiating, valuing another person's perspective, and keeping tempers in check.

Still, kids often do worry when their parents argue. Frequent fighting can make children of all ages feel scared, sad, unprotected, or even guilty if they think they caused all the commotion (kids need to know that it's never their fault).

Make sure your children understand that even if you fight, you still love each other — that fighting doesn't mean you're going to stay angry for long or that you're going to get a divorce. However, if you find that you and your partner are arguing a lot, it's wise to seek counseling — for your sake and for your kids.

How parents react to conflicts often lays the foundation for how children deal with others — from friends and siblings now, to bosses and their own families later. If you regularly scream and spit out expletives as little eyes look on and little ears listen, chances are your kids will learn to dole out the same.

Reviewed by: Steven Dowshen, MD Date reviewed: October 2008

Source: "Children's Insecure Representations of the Interparental Relationship and Their School Adjustment: The Mediating Role of Attention Difficulties," Child Development, September/October 2008.