Promoting Self-Esteem

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This article examines some general ways to promote self-esteem, including some that are specific to changing the negative messages to positive ones.

The first step is to get rid of critical attitudes, labeling, and name calling. Even in the name of socializing a child, you can’t make him feel better about himself by making him feel bad about himself. That doesn’t mean to move right to “La-La Land,” where everything is sweetness and light and nothing connects to reality. Of course children misbehave, make adults angry, and act in less than loving ways. They need guidance and protection. They need honest feedback. But the form in which you guide, protect, and give honest feedback matters.

Give More Honest Feedback and Encouragement Than Praise

Some adults, in the name of building self-esteem, vow always to be positive and to praise children at every possible opportunity. They replace honest feedback with constant overblown praise. Praise is no cure for low self-esteem. All it does is create a need for the child to look to the adult for a judgment of everything he does. Children need coaches, not cheerleaders (Curry & Johnson, 1990). If you overdo praise, your words become meaningless. For example, if you say “Great job!” about every little thing, it becomes an empty phrase. It’s more effective and less damaging to use encouragement instead of praise. Call attention to children’s legitimate successes, but don’t butter them up with heavy judgments. Compare past performances with present ones, but not with those of other children—“You picked up more blocks this time than last time,” rather than “You’re the best block-picker-upper I’ve ever seen.” Better yet, explain why this behavior is valuable (Hitz & Driscoll, 1988).

Give Children Opportunities to Experience Success

Even more important than just talking is to give children many chances to experience success of all sorts. Challenge them so that when success comes they’ve worked for it—it didn’t just arrive on a platter. Do this by creating a manageable, yet challenging, environment that is appropriate to their age and stage of development. The book Developmentally Appropriate Practice in Early Childhood Programs Serving Children from Birth Through Age 8, by Sue Bredekamp and Carol Copple (1997, 2006), gives many ideas about how to respond to children appropriately.

When adults give children a helping hand, they also help them experience success. Lev Vygotsky (1978) came up with the term assisted performance to describe this helping hand. He suggested that other children can be the ones who provide the helping hand, not just adults. Others now use the term scaffolding. Scaffolding is a process that can be viewed as similar to the temporary structure one puts up to paint a building. In other words, the adult provides the support the child needs, allowing him to problem solve at new levels. The scaffolding helps the child experience success, which encourages the child to challenge himself further, thereby meeting with the possibility of new success. Scaffolding, because it is temporary, can be built for a specific need on each occasion and can easily be remodeled to serve changing needs.