Responding to the Temperamentally Difficult Child – Guidelines for a Proactive Approach

In this article, I will offer thoughts and observations about a proactive approach for interacting effectively with children who have “difficult” temperaments.

Guidelines for a Proactive Approach

1. Engage your child as an active participant in solving the issues or problems at hand. As psychologist and friend Myrna Shure, who developed the "I Can Problem Solve" program, has so eloquently described in her books "Raising a Thinking Child" and "Raising a Thinking Preteen," even impulsive children can be taught and encouraged to think of different solutions to problems and to consider what approach might work best.

I recall a family who had a temperamentally difficult young adolescent son. They were constantly reminding him to take his medication in the morning since he often "forgot" to do so. In a family therapy session, he acknowledged that the medication did help (this agreement facilitated a problem-solving attitude), but added, "I hate when my parents remind me to do things. I always feel they’re nagging me. They seem to enjoy being on my back."

I empathized with him and said that no kid likes to be nagged. Then I wondered that if he should forget to take his medication could he think of a way for his parents to remind him that wouldn’t feel like they were nagging him. He said, "I don’t like them to talk to me." I asked, "Is there another way they can remind you?" Half-kidding and perhaps half-not, he said, "Let them hold up a sign." The parents and I said that was a great idea and that is what they did. It actually worked! Its success was based in great part on this young adolescent arriving at the solution so that he had a greater sense of ownership for what transpired.

A postscript to this story was several months later a parenting magazine had an article about the use of signs to remind your children to do things. I cut it out and gave him a copy, saying, "You had a brilliant idea. Even a national magazine is writing about it." With a smile I added, "My only regret is that they didn’t quote you." In a humorous way, he responded, "That’s okay, they don’t know about me yet, but someday they will."

I should emphasize that if a child is asked about a possible solution to a problem and says "I don’t know what to do," parents and other adults can respond, "That’s okay, it sometimes takes a few days to think of what to do, so let’s take a little time." Obviously, if the problem presents an immediate issue of safety or security, we may not have the luxury of waiting several days. In that case, parents may have to provide possible solutions, but they should always offer two or three and ask the child which one might work best. The act of having the child consider which option might prove best and then selecting that option reinforces a sense of ownership. It is not unusual that when parents offer possible solutions, children and adolescents will frequently modify what the parent has said and place their own distinct mark on the solution.

2. Once a solution is agreed upon, it is important to develop consequences with your child if she/he does not follow through on the arrangement. This can be done by saying to your child, "What we plan to do sounds as if it will work but what should the consequences be if you don’t follow through on what you have agreed upon?" These questions are important not only because they empower children and help them to develop problem-solving skills, but also because children with difficult temperaments frequently live in the "here and now" and don’t think ahead about consequences.