The Role of Parents in Social and Emotional Learning
“Family life is our first school for emotional learning,” states Daniel Goleman, the author of the groundbreaking book Emotional Intelligence. Through family life “we learn how to feel about ourselves and how others will react to our feelings; how to think about these feelings and what choices we have in reacting; how to read and express hopes and fears.”1 This learning takes place, says Goleman, not only in what parents say and do, but in how adults treat each other. When parents are emotionally competent in their own relationships, they are more capable of helping their children work through their emotional challenges.
Parents’ impact. The emotional lessons that children learn from their parents are powerful and longlasting. When parents ignore their children’s feelings, children come to believe their feelings are not important. When parents repeatedly threaten or punish children for a display of emotion, children learn that emotions are dangerous things that need to be held inside and hidden—an invitation to later depression or rage. When parents are unable to show their angry and destructive children other ways of expressing emotion, children learn it is acceptable to strike out at others or have a tantrum to get whatever they want 2.
A careful study of parental relationships and parents’ interactions with children has shown another style of interacting that can help children grow in emotionally sound ways. Researcher John Gottman refers to this as being an “emotion coach.” 3 This means that parents use opportunities of difficult or hurtful emotions, such as when a child has had an argument or experienced a disappointment, to explore the true nature of those feelings and how to work with them constructively. Parents can encourage children to use feeling words, such as “I feel sad” or “That made me really angry,” to express their emotions rather than simply act on them.
A growing body of research suggests that helping children to develop good social and emotional skills early in life makes a big difference in their long-term health and well-being. Studies have shown that children’s social and emotional functioning and behaviors begin to stabilize around the age of eight and can predict the state of their behavior and mental health later in life.4 In other words, if children learn to express emotions constructively and engage in caring and respectful relationships before and while they are in their lower elementary grades, they are more likely to avoid depression, violence, and other serious mental health problems as they grow older.
Children’s Success in School and Life: The Role of Social and Emotional Learning (SEL)
Adults know from experience that when they are gripped by intense feelings, whether of joy or grief or fear, it becomes difficult to focus on the task at hand. Parents recognize that when their children are upset, they are far less receptive to what adults are trying to teach than when they are calm and happy. Whether children are dealing with such day-to-day stresses as arguments or homework, or life-altering realities such as parental divorce, economic hardship, family moves, or the illness or death of loved ones, both their emotions and learning are clearly affected. Stress and its emotional consequences may be unavoidable, but expressing emotions in healthy ways means that children can deal with the pressures of life with much greater strength, wisdom, and resilience.
The hopeful news is that schools and parents, working together, can play pivotal roles in supporting children’s healthy development in dealing with their emotions and in their relationships with others. This is referred to as social and emotional learning (SEL) because these are indeed skills that can be learned and mastered, every bit as much as language or mathematics or reading can be. Furthermore, teaching academic skills and social and emotional skills is not an either/or proposition. In fact, there is a great deal of research evidence to indicate that students perform better when academics are combined with SEL.5 66 Zins, J. E., Weissberg, R. P., Wang, M. C., & Walberg. H. J. (Eds.). (2004). Building academic success on social and emotional learning: What does the research say? New York: Teachers College Press.7
What are these crucial skills? The Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL), an organization that focuses on the use of SEL as an essential part of education, speaks about five basic sets of skills, or competencies, that can be systematically cultivated both at home and at school.8
- Self-Awareness: Identifying one’s thoughts, feelings, and strengths, and recognizing how they influence one’s choices and actions.
- Social Awareness: Identifying and understanding the thoughts and feelings of others, respecting their rights, and appreciating diversity.
- Self-Management: Establishing and working toward short- and long-term goals, and handling emotions so that they facilitate rather than interfere with the task at hand.
- Responsible Decision Making: Generating, implementing, and evaluating positive and informed solutions to problems, and assuming responsibility for personal decisions and behaviors.
- Relationship Skills: Communication, listening, and negotiation skills to establish and maintain healthy and rewarding connections with individuals and groups.
When social and emotional skills are taught and mastered, they help students to succeed not just in school but in all avenues of life. Numerous studies have found that young people who possess these social and emotional skills are in fact happier, more confident, and more capable as students, family members, friends, and workers.9 10 At the same time, they are far less likely to experience harmful behaviors such as substance abuse, depression, or violence. Social and emotional learning is a powerful way to help children become healthy, caring, and competent.
How Teachers can Help Parents to Teach SEL Skills
Many respected social and emotional programs use parenting workshops, interactive homework assignments, and other approaches to assist parents in teaching their children skills that promote social and emotional learning. Some of the best programs are described briefly in this packet. When parents and students practice and use the skills at home, the effects are doubly beneficial. Not only are young people better able to acquire the skills, but relationships within the family tend to improve when family members listen to each other openly and solve problems together. Children also come to appreciate the fact that learning is a lifelong process, not something that stops when they leave school.
Getting support. Parents also need support from each other. It is less and less common for parents to have an extended family around them to offer advice or share in the tasks of raising children. Often parents themselves feel isolated, lonely, and overwhelmed. When parents have the opportunity to meet with and learn from a skilled teacher as well as from each other, they can share the problems they experience with their children and learn ways of working through them. They learn that they’re not the only ones experiencing certain problems with their children and that there are creative and constructive options for addressing them. When a group of parents agree to support each other in setting household rules, such as limiting time in front of the television or establishing regular times for homework, it is much more likely that those rules will be enforced by adults and obeyed by children.
Many parents feel unsure of their own parenting abilities and helpless in the face of the negative influences so common in the media and culture—the glamorization of sex and violence and the put-downs and humiliations of well-known figures in public life. Still, children want their parents to be there guiding them and teaching them. A recent national poll found that 86% of young people between the ages of 10 and 17 said their parents were very important influences on their lives. In contrast, only 22% reported that television, movies, and popular music occupied a place of special importance.11 No one can take the place of parents in raising caring, confident, capable children.
Parents and Schools Working Together: A Needed Partnership
“Schools and families are both partners in the healthy development of the child,” say researchers Pamela Davis-Kean and Jacquelynne Eccles of the University of Michigan.12 When families and schools work together, the benefits for students— academically, socially, and emotionally—are magnified. According to a recent review of the research,13 students who experience strong connections between their homes and their schools:
- Attend school more regularly and achieve higher scores on standardized tests;
- Have better records of attendance;
- Are less likely to be placed in special education;
- Are more likely to avoid high-risk behaviors such as substance abuse or violence;
- Show improved behavior in homes and at school; and
- Display better social skills and adjustment to school.
Parents also benefit. In a review of successful familyschool partnerships, the National PTA found that involved parents were more confident in making decisions about their family and enjoyed being with their children more. They were more sensitive to their children’s social, emotional, and intellectual needs. They were more affectionate and used less punishment with their children. They enjoyed more positive communication with teachers.14
While the need for these partnerships is great, so are the many barriers to such partnerships. Some teachers, and, sadly, many parents, don’t believe that parents can play a meaningful role in guiding their children’s academic or social development. Teachers often have no training in ways to invite the collaboration of families. Sometimes parents, because of their own unhappy childhood encounters with education, feel threatened by any interactions with the school. Both teachers and parents are often so overwhelmed by the demands of their work and personal lives that they can’t find the time to make collaborations happen, even if they believe in their importance.
Being good partners. Yet in spite of all the obstacles, most parents and teachers want to establish better ways of cooperating that support the healthy development and school success of children. How can parents be good partners with the schools in the education of their children? Studies suggest 15 that children benefit socially, emotionally, and academically when parents:
- Set high standards for children’s educational activities and support learning in the home environment;
- Communicate with children about school-related matters such as homework and school programs;
- Supervise children’s activities, such as homework, television viewing, and after-school time; and
- Participate in school events, such as volunteering or attending parenting workshops.16
One proven way to strengthen the relationship between parents and schools is through family-school teams.17 These teams—which typically include parents, teachers, and school administrators—make decisions about designing and implementing programs, often for parent involvement and student support. When parents are actively involved in making decisions about school practices, then they and other parents enjoy programs and activities that truly address their needs. And when parents and teachers work closely together, then students hear the same messages at home and school about acceptable behavior and the importance of studying and learning. Having common expectations makes it far easier for students to succeed academically and become more responsible and confident.
The advantages that students receive in elementary and middle schools from school-parent collaborations are not temporary. There is considerable evidence of lasting results in such areas as increased rates of high school graduation and diminished mental health problems and destructive behaviors. The investment of time and energy in partnerships pays rich dividends. Page
Reference
1 Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence: Why It can matter more than IQ. New York: Bantam Books.
2 Gottman, J. (1997). The heart of parenting: Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York: Simon & Schuster.
3 Ibid.
4 Huesmann, L. R., & Guerra, N. G. (1997). Children’s normative beliefs about aggression and aggressive behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72 (2), 408-419.
5 Blum, R. W., McNeely, C. A., & Rinehart, P. M. (2002). Improving the odds: The untapped power of schools to improve the health of teens. Minneapolis, MN: University of Minnesota, Center for Adolescent Health and Development.
6 Zins, J. E., Weissberg, R. P., Wang, M. C., & Walberg. H. J. (Eds.). (2004). Building academic success on social and emotional learning: What does the research say? New York: Teachers College Press.
7 Elias, M. J., Zins, J. E., Weissberg, R. P., Frey, K. S., Greenberg, M. T., Haynes, N. M., Kessler, R., Schwab-Stone, M. E., & Shriver, T. P. (1997). Promoting social and emotional learning: Guidelines for educators. Alexandria, VA: Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development.
8 Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning. (2003). Safe and sound: An educational leader’s guide to evidence-based social and emotional learning programs. Chicago: Author.
9 Shapiro, L. E. (1997). How to raise a child with a high EQ: A parents’ guide to emotional intelligence. New York: HarperCollins.
10 Greenberg, M. T., Weissberg, R. P., O’Brien, M. U., Zins, J. E., Fredericks, L., Resnik, H., & Elias, M. J. (2003). Enhancing school-based prevention and youth development through coordinated social, emotional, and academic learning. American Psychologist, 58, 466-474.
11 Children’s Defense Fund. (1994, January). Living in fear. Washington, DC: Author.
12 Davis-Kean, P. E. & Eccles, J. S. (2002). Influences and barriers to better parent-school collaborations. Paper presented at the National Invitational Conference on School-Family Partnerships: Promoting the Social, Emotional and Academic Growth of Children, Washington, DC.
13 National Center for Family and Community Connections to Schools. (2002). A new wave of evidence: The impact of school, family, and community connections on student achievement. Austin, TX: Southwest Educational Development Laboratory.
14 National PTA. (2000). Building successful partnerships: A guide for developing parent and family involvement programs. Bloomington, IN: National Educational Service.
15 Fan, X., & Chen, M. (1999). Parental involvement and students’ academic achievement: A meta-analysis. Arlington, VA: National Science Foundation.
16 Ibid.
17 Epstein, J.L. (1995). School/family/community partnerships: Caring for the children we share. Phi Delta Kappan, 76.
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