Parenting Solutions: Sensitive

The Change to Parent For

Your child develops ways to control her strong feelings so that she is not so quick to react.

Question: "The other kids call my son 'Crybaby' because any little thing sets him off. Is there anything I can do to help him so he isn't quite so thin skinned?"

Answer: The most important things you can do for an overly sensitive child is first to accept his natural temperament and then help him learn how to control his reactions. One way to do so is by capitalizing on your child's strength: the ability to be highly tuned to other people's feelings. So teach him a skill that utilizes his natural gift of empathy. "As soon as you start to feel upset or think you're going to cry, ask yourself what you think the other person is feeling. Think so hard that you can almost feel where they're coming from." That simple "think of the other person" replacement technique helps kids channel their strong feelings more constructively and even recognize that they may have overreacted or misinterpreted where the other person is coming from. The technique may take a lot of practice to become a habit, but often helps overly sensitive kids use those emotions to their benefit.

Why Change?

Does your child worry endlessly about what her friends think of her, and take friendly teasing far too hard? Does watching a sad movie or reading a distressing book cause your kid anguish? Are you finding yourself thinking carefully before you speak to your kid because one wrong comment can cause an all-night tirade? Does your child appear "fine" one minute and then moody and irritable the next? Would you label your kid "high maintenance": fussy, picky, with a lot of highs and lows? If so, you have a sensitive critter on your hands, and you're not alone. Research says that about 15 to 20 percent of kids are highly sensitive.³⁸

Most parents would tell you that sensitive kids usually arrive that way. By nature these children seem more "touchy" from birth: they're more sensitive to sound and change, become teary-eyed easily, and take criticism far too seriously. Although those traits can be highly desirable (after all, the world certainly needs more compassionate people), being overly sensitive can cause problems at home, in school, and in life. And the biggest reason is that sensitive kids don't know how to respond to put-downs, teasing, and critical comments. Instead of shrugging them off, they take the jabs with too much emotion and drama. That turns the other kids off big-time, so oversensitivity is a frequent cause of peer problems.

Sure, you can't change your naturally sensitive child into a little thick-skinned toughie. And you shouldn't: your kid's sensitive nature is an asset, so you'll want to help her see it positively. Besides, your role isn't to change your child's natural personality, but to help her cope more successfully and learn to control how she responds. Doing so can make a huge difference in helping your tenderhearted child survive in a not-so-sensitive world.

Pay Attention to This!

Is Your Child Too Moody?

Most highly sensitive kids are born with temperaments that make them wear their emotions of their sleeves. But if your child suddenly becomes extremely moody or always feels sad, and the feelings last beyond two weeks, consider seeking the help of a mental health professional. The symptoms could be the onset of depression, or something else may be triggering your child's sudden change of temperament.

Pay Attention to This!

Could Your Child Have a Sensory Processing Disorder?

Some children have difficulties in the area of sensory integration and may be highly sensitized to any sort of sensory stimulation. It can lead to behavioral problems and other issues. If you think this may be your child, check out the list of symptoms of Sensory Processing Disorder at http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processing-disorder-checklist.html, or read Sensational Kids: Hope and Help for Children with Sensory Processing Disorder, by Lucy Jane Miller; The Out-of-Sync Child, by Carol Stock Kranowit, or Raising a Sensory Smart Child: The Definitive Handbook for Helping Your Child with Sensory Integration Issues, by Lindsey Biel.

Signs and Symptoms

Here are signs of oversensitivity derived from Dr. Elaine N. Aron's research.³⁹ Check ones that apply to your child:

• Startles easily
• Notices the slightest unusual odor
• Seems very intuitive
• Doesn't do well with big changes
• Notices and is upset by the distress of others
• Prefers quiet play
• Asks deep, thought-provoking questions
• Notices subtleties (something that's been moved, a change in a person's appearance, and so on)
• Feels things deeply

If you checked off several of the signs, your child is probably highly sensitive. If only one or two questions are true of your child, but they are "extremely" true, you might also be justified in calling your child highly sensitive.

The Solution

Step 1. Early Intervention

• Respect your child's nature. Your child's natural temperament is probably more high strung and intuitive. This isn't about changing her nature (you can't), but it is about helping your child recognize her personality and letting her know you're not trying to change that side of her. "You are a sensitive and caring kid. You'll always be a wonderful friend and make the world a better place. Sometimes your strong feelings can get in the way with your relationships. So let's help you learn to turn down those feelings so kids won't be as likely to pick on you."
• Identify other possibilities. Yes, a naturally more emotional temperament is usually the reason kids are highly sensitive. But there are other reasons for kids to be overly sensitive. Would any of these reasons be causing your child to be overly sensitive? Check those that apply to your child:
• Lacks self-esteem or self-confidence
• Is experiencing home-front issues (recent move, family friction, a potential divorce, military deployment, financial stress, family's reputation)
  •    Was raised to be "so nice," and now has trouble dealing with the cruel world
  • Is overtired, physically ill, depressed, or under a lot of stress
  • Has a disability or is "different" (speech impediment, physical illness, learning disability)
  • Has new braces, glasses, freckles, large ears, acne, weight issues, unusual height, unusual dress style
  • Is made the butt of kids' jokes because she doesn't "fit in"
  • Has been rescued or babied; depends on you for rescue
  • Is experiencing mood swings brought on by puberty and hormones
  • Has had limited social experiences; not used to "normal" teasing
  • Is encountering repeated verbal abuse, bullying, or physical abuse   
• Identify the "right fit." What works best to help your child so that she's not quite so sensitive or moody? Playing in a smaller group? Limiting stimulation, such as noise or lights? Talking in a lower voice? Sticking to a routine? Giving transition time? Explaining your emotions? Watch your child carefully over the next week and log what helps your child handle life more successfully. Then stick to those parameters whenever possible.
• Empower your child. Stress to your child that she has control over how she chooses to react to another child. "You can't control what another person says or does, but you can control how you respond." "You may not be able to stop that kid from being so mean, but if you practice, you can learn not to cry when he calls you names." Be mindful that you're not allowing your child to depend on you to bail her out or stick up for her. It's important for her to recognize that she has control over situations and can't always rely on you.
• "Turn down" strong feelings. If your child doesn't learn to "turn down" or "switch off" her always-on upset facial gestures, she'll never convince the other kids that she's not headed for a meltdown. So help her learn ways to turn down those emotions and switch to a more neutral expression. Try modeling or discovering together a different expression to substitute whenever appropriate, such as smiling or looking surprised or puzzled, so it's harder for her friends to tell what she's feeling.
• Watch labels. Highly sensitive kids are often stereotyped as problem children or as overly inhibited, fearful, or fussy. So don't let teachers, family, or friends label your child and don't do so yourself.

Step 2. Rapid Response

• Don't say "Toughen up." Overly sensitive kids can't toughen up. They really don't want to get so teary-eyed and to be so hypersensitive: it's usually part of their personality. So refrain from saying such things as "Don't be such a baby," "Cut it out; the kids are going to call you a sissy," "Boys don't cry," or "You're too old to act like that."
• Turn it into an advantage. Yes, your child is oversensitive, but the flip side is that she is also highly in tune with people's feelings. Stress the value of her temperament so that she recognizes the power of her highly tuned emotional nature and how it can become a valuable tool. Sensitive children can develop a deep sense of compassion, empathy, and emotional intelligence. "I don't want you ever to stop being such a caring person. That's one of the your greatest gifts. But you can learn how to make your face not look so upset."
• Don't overprotect! It's tough when our children are upset, but be careful so as not to always rescue your child from those emotional hardships. Doing so will only make her depend on you, and she'll be less likely to make it on her own.
• Teach how to use a firm voice. Whimpering, crying, whining, sniveling, sobbing, whispering, and quivering voice tones are kid turnoffs. So tell your child before she talks to clear her throat and think "firm and strong" (more Rambo, less Tinkerbell). She'll probably need help distinguishing between firm and whiny voice tones, so role-play various tones and have her practice different voices until she can speak with a stronger, more confident voice.

Step 3. Develop Habits for Change

• Keep to a routine. A sensitive kid has trouble with change and transition, so planning ahead, preparing your child for what to expect, and keeping things on a regular and calmer schedule are often helpful.
• Watch out for overstimulation. Big groups, lack of sleep, stressful schedules, crowded carpools, noisy classrooms, and hyped-up parties can be tough for a sensitive kid. Tone down what you can and keep things on a more even keel.
• Do a "Feeling Watch." At the mall, park, grocery store, or parking lot point out "upset" and "calm" facial expressions of others. "Do you see that little girl over there? Do you think she looks upset or calm? How can you tell?" Use photographs from newspapers, picture books, or magazines to help your child recognize different facial expressions. You might also take photos of your child with different expressions (calm and upset) so she can see the difference in the look on herself.
• Help her adopt a "relaxed" neutral expression. In their book Teaching Your Child the Language of Social Success, Marshall Duke, Elisabeth Martin, and Stephen Nowicki suggest taking a photograph of your child using facial expression that conveys little emotion.⁴¹ (You may have to catch her unaware while she's watching television or reading a book.) Then take a photo of her when she's in the throes of some heightened emotion. Put the two photos together and help her study the expressions, then ask: "Which face would make your friends less likely to pick on you?" "Which one will make them more apt to tease you?" Once your child identifies that the "right" expression looks less sensitive, help her practice achieving that more neutral look.
• Suggest replacers. If your child becomes teary easily, she'll need to learn what to do instead of crying. Talk about possible suggestions and then have your child choose the one she likes best. "Think of a really fun place inside your head, and make your mind go there." "Walk away really quickly." "Clear your throat and bite your tongue." "Count to 10 inside your head." "Hum a song (only inside your head)." "Take a long, slow breath." In order for the "crying replacement" to become a habit, she'll have to practice it again and again.

What To Expect By Stages And Ages

Preschooler   Shyer, more anxious children as well as those who have not had many social experiences can be particularly sensitive to criticism and peer rejection.

School Age   Kids compare their appearance and athletic and intellectual abilities to those of their friends and are most sensitive to peer reactions in the fourth and fifth grades.⁴² Surveys of six- to eleven-year-olds in six countries showed that the number one concern to kids (next to losing the security of their family) is losing face among friends. Rejection and losing publicly can cause overreaction and emotional distress.

Tween   Hormones are starting to kick in, so your moody kid may just get moodier. Being the butt of gossip and rejection and being laughed at cause big-time distress and are guaranteed to bring on heightened feelings of sensitivity.⁴³ (See also the Late Breaking News box for this entry.)

One Parent's Answer

A mom from Carson City writes:

Any little tease or criticism and my son would tear up, and then we happened to watch a super hero cartoon. Jacob came up with the idea that if he wore a make believe armored vest like the cartoon character it might help. Any tease would bounce right off and never get to him. And the strategy seemed to work. When the kids teased him he just pulled out his magic vest in his mind, wrapped himself in it, and those "mean words" just bounced right off of him.

Late-Breaking News

San Diego State University: A study by Robert McGivern shows that tweens eleven to twelve years of age have a difficult time reading emotions correctly and may think you are upset when you are not.⁴⁰ At this age, there is a normal and natural increase in nerve activity in the brain's prefrontal cortex (where experience and perceptions are weighed). So it may be helpful if you state your emotion to your child: "You may think I'm ticked off, but I'm really tired." "I know you think I'm angry with you, but I just had a tough day at work, and that's why my face looks stressed."

More Helpful Advice

Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic, by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka

The Challenging Child: Understanding, Raising, and Enjoying the Five "Difficult" Types of Children, by Stanley I. Greenspan

The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them, by Elaine Aron

The Sensory-Sensitive Child: Practical Solutions for Out-of-Bounds Behavior, by Lucy Jane Miller and Sharon A. Cermak

Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight: What to Do If You Are Sensory Defensive in an Overstimulating World, by Sharon Heller

The Out-of-Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Integration Dysfunction, by Carol Stock Krantrowitz and Larry B. Silver