Parenting Solutions: Sex

The Change to Parent For

Your child learns that sexuality is a natural, healthy part of life, knows she can come to you with any questions, and understands that promiscuity can result in serious consequences.

Why Change?

You ask, "Why should parents talk to young kids about sex?" I say, "Oh, let me count the ways." And here are my own top reasons:

1. Our children's culture is an MTV-driven, X-rated world, and the latest research shows that repeated exposure to sexual content in music, movies, television, and magazines increases the likelihood that white teens will become sexually active at earlier ages.¹¹⁰
2. Sexy content is all too accessible for kids online, with those "not-parent-approved" sites featuring sex, sex, and sex. (And kids do talk, talk, and talk.)
3. Too many of our children's young celebrity "role models" flaunt not only "come-hither" attire but also blatant sexual promiscuity (and then glorify their teen pregnancy as unwed moms).
4. Sexual activity begins at an earlier age than a generation ago. In fact, oral sex is the new craze for thirteen-year-olds.
5. The prevalence of AIDS puts teen promiscuity into the life-threatening category.
6. Unwed pregnancy is on the upswing once again.

So what are you waiting for? Don't you think it's better that your child gets this information from you than from her friends or the media? This entry offers tips to help you discuss this crucial topic with your child. And the sooner you begin, the better!

The Solution

Six Strategies for Change

1. Get savvy about today's kid culture. It's a different world now in many ways, including how our teens view sex. It's far more casual, and they are less likely to have close, personal, high-quality relationships with sex partners. "Hooking up" is the trend. And teens are also engaging in sex acts at far younger ages. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that more than half of teens are having oral sex,¹¹⁴ and nearly a third believe that oral sex is abstinent behavior.¹¹⁵ Research published by the American Academy of Pediatrics found that today's adolescents believe oral sex to be safer and less risky than intercourse.¹¹⁶ So get savvier about your child's too sexy too soon world so that you are "in the know" when you have those talks and can discuss relevant issues that concern her world.
2. Read up and get prepared! Today's kids are for the most part more open and ask questions at far younger ages. So be ready. If you're unsure what to say (and don't despair—many parents are), here are references to help you prepare your response:

But How'd I Get There in the First Place? Talking to Your Young Child About Sex, by Deborah M. Roffman

Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They'd Ask), by Justin Richardson

How and When to Tell Your Kids About Sex, by Stanton L. Jones

Talking to Your Kids About Sex: From Toddlers to Tweens, by Lauri Berkenkamp

What's the Big Secret? Talking About Sex with Girls and Boys, by Laurie Krasny Brown

3. Talk about sex—and the earlier the better. The earlier your start those talks about the birds and the bees, the more comfortable you'll be discussing the "heavier" topics that come later. That doesn't mean you're going to rattle off explicit details about sex or teach an anatomy lesson to your preschooler. Talks should always be geared to your child's age and stage, so right now just think about your first of many conversations between you and your child about sexuality. Here are few tips to help get you started:
   • Use proper terminology. Sex education is not a vocabulary lesson, so only use terms as needed. But teach correct anatomical terms as a natural part of the conversation from the time your child learns to talk. It's OK to use the words "penis" and "vagina"; they are not profanity.
   • Follow your child's lead. You'll know your child is old enough to talk about sex if she's old enough to ask questions. So listen and follow your child's lead.
   • Stay cool. If you feel you'll be too embarrassed, then rehearse your answers. If her questions leave you stuttering, it's fine to say, "That's a great question. Let me think about it so I can give you the right answer. I'm sure glad you asked." Kids know when we're being evasive; they can sense when we're uncomfortable and may conclude that their question was inappropriate, so they'll stop asking. Your goal is to appear cool and confident so you keep them coming to you.
   • Answer the question. Don't put your child off or try to avoid questions. But also don't make the mistake of telling too much too soon. Instead listen to your child and then give a simple, direct answers to what was asked. No more, no less. Give little bits of information at a time.
   • Clarify the question. Make sure you understand what your child is asking so you can give the right answer. You could ask, "What do you think it means?" or "Let me make sure I understand your question. You want to know how babies are made?" Then ask whether you've cleared up the confusion. Take your cue from your child as to whether she is satisfied with your answer or wants further details.
   • Use teachable moments. Find ways to talk about sex more in context so that the conversation is more natural. For instance, talk about body parts while she takes a bath; discuss birth when your dog has puppies; use a sexual reference on a television show as your moment for a brief lesson.
   • Keep the discussion going. Discussing sexuality shouldn't be a one-time lecture, but an ongoing dialogue. Let your child know that you're always available to answer her questions, that you are just fine with her asking you anything, and that you are always available.
4. Communicate your values. Your "sex talks" need to be far more than just a lesson about body parts. Be sure to communicate your family's values about sexuality so that your child hears your views about intimacy, commitment, and love. It doesn't mean that your child is necessarily going to adopt your values, but for you to help guide her own behaviors, she certainly needs to hear what you stand for and why. Emphasize that contrary to most kids' beliefs, promiscuity does not make you popular. Stress that a reputation for being "easy" is tough to change and stays with you long afterwards. This is the time to discuss birth control and bring up that abstinence is the only 100 percent guaranteed way not to become pregnant or acquire an STD or an HIV infection. Research finds that kids whose parents stressed to them that they should wait to have sex are less likely to engage in early sexual activity.¹¹⁷ (By the way, you don't ever have to divulge your own sexual history if your child asks. Feel free to take the fifth or say you don't feel comfortable discussing your private life.)
5. Monitor your child and her friends. Kids are mostly likely to have their first sexual encounter in your home or their partner's home during the evening hours or when you're away during the weekend.¹¹⁸ So monitor your kid's comings and goings and get to know her friends. Make a rule starting in those tween years: "No entertaining the opposite sex in your bedroom. Period." Also lock up your liquor supply. Studies show that drinking alcohol is a precursor to early sexual activity.¹¹⁹
6. Stay connected. One of the best deterrents to early sexual activity appears to be the state of your relationship with your child. About 20 percent of both boys and girls whose parents reported a poor relationship with them during the tween years had sex by fifteen, almost double the number of kids who had good parental relationships.¹²⁰ So stay closely connected with your child, especially during those tween years when kids naturally start to pull away and seek the advice of their peers. It's the time when they need you most. Studies do show that "kids who feel they can talk with their parents about sex—because their moms and dads speak openly and listen carefully to them—are less likely to engage in high-risk behaviors."¹²¹

What To Expect By Stages And Ages

Preschooler   Kids at this age begin to recognize physical differences between genders and that having a penis or a vagina is the obvious difference. Sex talks should be simple, light on the details, and developmentally appropriate, and they should use correct terms (such as penis and vagina). Also discuss "touching" and "private parts" so that your child understands that no one should touch her on "areas covered by a person's bathing suit" and that if anyone does, she should tell you right away.

School Age   Curiosity about sex continues, especially with the subject so prevalent in the movies, media, and among friends. Common questions include "How do you have sex?" and "How does the baby get out of the mother?" By six to eight, the child should know correct biological terms like vagina, breast, penis, and testicles. If your child is not talking or asking about sex by age seven, it may be a sign that she feels that the subject is taboo, so bring it up yourself.

Tween   Tweens should know the facts about how babies are born and how the reproductive cycle works, as well as the terms intercourse, semen, ejaculate, and sperm. Peer pressure mounts, and many tweens say they feel pressured to have sex. Discuss ways to say no, healthy "giving" relationships, and love, and that there are no "do-overs." One reason for the increase of oral sex is that teens think it's a low-risk activity. Stress such risk factors as pregnancy, HIV, and the incurability of some sexually transmitted diseases.

Pay Attention to This!

Adolescent sexual activity began to level off around 2001 and for the longest time failed to budge, but suddenly there is the first increase (3 percent) since 1991 in the U.S. teen birthrate. ¹¹¹ About one in thirteen teens becomes pregnant every year; 80 percent of those pregnancies are unintended.¹¹² That's despite $1.5 billion spent since 2000 on abstinence education. In fact, there is no reliable evidence that "abstinence-only" programs work to curtail kids' sexual activity.¹¹³ With the AIDS epidemic and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, the health stakes for kids are much higher—all the more reason to have repeated talks about the birds and the bees.

One Parent's Answer

One mom from Raleigh shares:

I waited too late to have the "sex talk," and by the time I got around to doing so I felt so uncomfortable, and I knew my daughter did as well. Then I discovered that sexuality was part of her middle school health curriculum, and suddenly I had an opportunity to talk about sex as she did her homework. If you feel awkward, just look for natural ways to bridge the topic, such as your child's health book or teen magazines, or use another one of those pregnant teen celebrities as an example. There seems to be ample supply these days.

Late-Breaking News

American Psychological Association: Research shows that one of the best ways to help your daughter abstain from sexual activity is by boosting her self-esteem. In fact, one study found that twelve- and thirteen-year-old girls with low self-esteem are almost twice as likely to have sexual intercourse than peers by age fifteen.¹²² What's more, the barrage of sexualized images of girls and young women in advertising, merchandising, and media is harmful to girls' self-image and healthy development, and is also linked to such common mental health problems as eating disorders, low self-esteem, and depression. So find healthy ways to boost your daughter's self-esteem other than how the media suggests: by being pencil thin, exercising nonstop, and looking sexy. Involve her in activities based on her natural interests, be they soccer, piano, cheerleading, guitar, art, or scouting. Find her healthier media outlets in movies, television shows, and magazines.

The study also found that tween boys with higher levels of self-worth were more likely to engage in early sexual activity. So don't forget your sons. Hold serious talks stressing not only that should he wait but also that he should never take advantage of girls, especially those who lack confidence.