Sixth Grade: Becoming Independent

"Everyone Else Is Doing It!"

Preteen years are a time of contradictions. One moment the preteen is perfectly reasonable and the next moment you wonder who turned the world upside down. This is normal. Preteens are often characterized by rebellious and contradictory behavior. The rebellion is the child trying to become independent. It is not necessarily an act of total defiance directed toward parents.

But how much independence do parents give a preteen? Because children at this age are often irresponsible, because they do whatever seems good at the moment and because they are immature, parents are uncomfortable in letting go.

So what is too restrictive or too permissive? Family and community values help parents decide what is acceptable. Yet preteens receive pressure from their friends to try all kinds of things.

Being fair in setting limits becomes very important. Parents need to ask themselves why they don't want their preteen doing what her friends are doing. Often parents fear they will lose control over their child. Parenting, however, involves guiding the preteen to develop responsible behavior. Control seldom accomplishes this and further sets the stage for teenage rebellion. (Control refers to giving a direct order without providing the child with a reason or allowing opportunities to negotiate.) Controlling parents contribute to more rebellious behavior, not less.

Parents need to closely examine their own behavior, too. Telling a preteen not to do something even though the parent does it may demonstrate inconsistency and promote rebellion.

Preteen years are an important time for children to begin developing responsible behavior. Parenting is a little like cultivating a garden -  it takes time, patience and diligence to reap the benefits. Parents are still powerful forces even though preteens appear not to listen or care.

There are no hard and fast rules about developing a responsible, independent preteen. Unfortunately, parents can't just suddenly take a preteen and say, "OK, you're old enough now -  be responsible!"

Here are some examples of appropriate ways of involving preteens in the responsibilities of family life. Of course, no one preteen would be expected to assume all of these duties.

1. Read stories to younger siblings.
2. Help clean house and garage areas.
3. Respect others' property.
4. Run own errands. 
5. Mow lawn.
6. Help adults build things and do the family errands.
7. Help clean the bathroom with child-safe cleaning products.
8. Schedule ample time for studies.
9. Do paper route, pet sitting or some other job.
10. Help check and add oil to car.

It is wise to proceed gradually. Through friendly discussions, an adult and a preteen together can determine responsibilities and accept independence.

When preteens experience satisfaction as a result of accomplishing tasks or making decisions, it helps to build a healthy self-esteem and a responsible, independent person.

Seeking Independence and Maintaining Open Communication

A father with a preteen son tells this story: