Sixth Grade: Listening + Responding = Communication

Parents: Listen to Others

"My friends listen to what I say, but my parents only hear me talk." That's how some kids feel.

Parents also feel frustrated when their children do not seem to listen to them. Learning to listen is the key to good communication and conversation. To teach children how to listen, we must first listen to them.

We can improve communication if we listen and respond positively to the unpleasant as well as to the pleasant. Guaranteed conversation enders are such statements as, "You don't really mean that!" or "You shouldn't feel that way!" or"Don't argue with me!" or "Don't talk back to me!" or "Nonsense, there is no reason to feel that way!" Really listening means listening without criticizing or judging people for what they say. Otherwise we shut off sharing and only teach children to tell us what is safe to tell us. When you listen with total attention you are saying that the child's concerns and interests are important to you.

When strong emotions are involved, we need to actively listen. This means observing the preteen's face, body movements and unspoken gestures to understand both what is spoken and what is meant. Your response should show that you understood what was said and should leave the door open for further discussion. For example, when a preteen says, "Leave me alone. You don't care what happens to me," you might say, "Don't be silly, of course I do," or "It sounds to me like you're feeling very hurt and angry." The first response ends the conversation. The second shows active listening and responding with understanding.

Parents: Listen to Yourselves

It's easier to listen to others than it is to listen to yourself. If you are constantly being misunderstood, look at the way you've sent your messages. Listen to how you respond to differences of opinion. Do you really accept individual differences? Do you share your true feelings or do you withhold them? Listen to your tone of voice when you talk to your spouse, children or friends. Does it change? The tone of voice communicates to the listener something over and above the verbal messages.

Communication is not done with words but with people.

Suggested Resources

"How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" is an excellent book for parents to use. The authors, Faber and Mazlish, have developed a series of cartoon examples that help get basic communication skills on track in a quick and easy way.

If you have often thought that your family needs to work on how members communicate, this book is a start.

Check for local workshops to help you set up a positive relationship with your child. The time to establish this skill is now - not during a rebellious teenage phase.

Call the local Iowa State University Extension office for more information regarding resources, publications, and workshops currently available.