Smart Parenting During and After Divorce: Do I Really Need to Be in Court?

When You Need to Be in Court

You need to be in court if you are served with legal papers telling you that you must appear. Ignoring legal summonses and documents that require you to be in court usually creates difficulty on top of difficulty.

If you are embroiled in daily arguments with your spouse or co-parent, or if there is violence in the interactions between you and your co-parent, you would be better off in court.

Other factors that suggest you would be better off in court include the following.

• You have an ineffective support system, or none at all—no friends or family members to serve as a sounding board. In many jurisdictions you can find help for your legal troubles and concerns right at the courthouse. When you enter court, look for an information area; if you find one, state your problem in simple terms to the court clerk. It is always a good idea to have some notes with you, because people tend to get nervous in court even when asking simple questions.
• You feel easily bullied by your spouse or co-parent. Never try to negotiate for yourself if you feel easily bullied or pushed around by the person who is on the other side of the conflict. Court might be a scary place, but it exists to ensure that everyone is treated fairly.
• Your co-parent is threatening to take you to court and drag you through the mud. Contrary to what most people fear about being taken to court, most judges have a very low tolerance for personal mudslinging. Realize, though, that if you have committed a crime or have neglected your child and there is proof of it, that probably will come out in court.

When You Don't Need to Be in Court

It's possible to avoid court, or at least the worst parts of it, if you have a reasonable and civilized relationship with the co-parent and if your relationship is ending on good or friendly terms.

In that case you might want to try consulting a mediator or a mental health professional who can begin the process. The rules and protocols for how mediation takes place differ from state to state, so it is beyond the scope of this book to direct you anywhere specifically. A good place to start is by doing an Internet search for "divorce mediation" and to include the state in your search query.

Still, even when you can agree on things there are times you must appear in court if only to swear or affirm in front of whomever is presiding over your case that you have indeed worked things out.

Quick Tips

• Don't be an ostrich. Nervousness and fear can make you want to avoid looking at legal documents or responding to official papers. Deal with court papers sooner rather than later.
•  If you are absolutely unsure of what to do and have no access to legal help, go to the courthouse and ask whether there is a chief clerk's office. There are often people who can help you in the initial stages of a lawsuit right at the courthouse. This is almost always so of family courts.
• If communication is civilized, you might want to suggest mediation to your co-parent as a form of resolving your difficulties.