Teaching Children to Cope with Feelings

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Developing Self-Calming Skills

One of the greatest skills an adult working or living with young children can have is the ability to calm an upset child. Of course, the optimum is for children to learn to calm themselves, and for that reason adults should respect their attempts to do so. For example, when the crying infant finds a soothing thumb and pops it in, the adult should rejoice and not try to distract or substitute something else. The thumb is an example of a very effective self-soothing device.

If infants are to learn self-calming techniques, the adult must not jump up and respond to each little whimper or tiny demand. Timing is important; it takes skill to create a response gap that is just long enough to allow children to discover ways to meet their own needs. If the adult waits too long, children feel neglected; they may go beyond the place where they can calm themselves. Once the child gets overly excited and chaos sets in, the adult needs to be on hand to stop the momentum and help the child get reorganized. Sometimes this is merely a matter of being present and allowing the child to pick up your calm rhythms. Some adults have the natural instinct of tuning into the child’s rhythms, flowing with them until the two are in tune, then slowing the combined rhythm until the child is once more relaxed and calm. Thoman and Browder (1987) give specifics about how this can be done with a baby. They start by advising the adult to find a quiet, softly lit room and relax completely while holding the baby: “Breathe deeply. Feel all your muscles unwind.... Now tune in to your baby. Listen to his breathing. Feel his breathing against your chest. At first, try to match your breathing to your baby’s breathing, so you’re inhaling and exhaling in unison. Then slowly make your breathing deeper” (pp. 181–182). They say that as the adult changes his or her breathing, the baby’s breathing will change to match it.

This approach can be used with some children who are no longer babies. Some children are able to use the adult closeness to bring down their energy level and become calm. Something similar can even be used with a group of children. Some infant-care teachers and early educators know how to go with the flow of energy and then bring it down to a less chaotic level. There’s usually an ideal time to intervene. Determining this ideal time is a skill adults who live and work with young children can acquire through experience.

Coping by Playing Pretend

Playing pretend is a way that children experience feelings in a way that they can control. In a sense, they practice emotions through playing. They’re in charge of the environment and of themselves, which puts them in a very powerful position—often the opposite of their position when they are overcome by a feeling in real life.

Adults who understand how important pretend play is to emotional development encourage children to engage in it. They give them props to get them started. (That’s what the “housekeeping corner” and all the “dress-up clothes” are about in a child care center.) When children don’t automatically show interest in playing pretend, adults can get them started by playing with them. Adults who see the value of time spent pretending provide opportunities, space, and materials to stimulate imagination. They also provide encouragement.