Parenting Solutions: Teased

The Change to Parent For

Your child learns to distinguish between friendly and hurtful teasing and develops habits to handle the teasing, gain confidence, and be less likely to be picked on.

Question: "I know all children are teased, but my son is so sensitive and takes everything to heart. How can I help him handle ribbing a little more gracefully so that he doesn't go all to pieces?"

Answer: The best way to help your child deal with a teaser is by role-playing pretend situations. You say things to him the way a teaser would, and he can try new ways of responding until he finds what works for him. Because your son is sensitive, help him practice hiding his upset look and emphasize that he should maintain eye contact with you. Those two tips will help him look less like a victim and appear more in control. The secret is to keep practicing the new responses until change kicks in and he can use them by himself the next time someone teases him.

Why Change?

Teasing is a fact of life and a big part of growing up. And it's not always harmful to our kids. The playful type of teasing can help kids develop a sense of humor, bounce back and not take themselves so seriously, and even learn social skills they will need in order to deal with life.

But not all teasing is fun and games or useful, especially these days. Research finds that childhood teasing is far harsher and more hurtful than it was, and it's escalating. Every day, 160,000 children skip school because of fear of being harassed, teased, and bullied.¹³⁷ During the middle school years, teasing reaches a crescendo and can be cruel and vicious. Those verbal barbs are often slung to ridicule, humiliate, haze, or otherwise deliberately harass the other child.

The plain truth is that certain kids do seem to get more than their fair share of teasing and name-calling. Of course, we tell our children to "shrug it off" and "not take it so seriously," but some kids just can't do that. Those verbal barbs sting! Although we can't protect our kids from those taunts, we can teach them strategies to help them cope with the teasing more effectively as well as be less likely to be targeted. And we must. Children who are taunted repeatedly are more likely to suffer from low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. It's just further proof that your child needs to learn a repertoire of comeback strategies to use on both friendly and unfriendly teasers.

Late-Breaking News

University of Warwick: New research dispels the popular myth that "words can never hurt you."¹³⁹ The study of adolescents found that contrary to conventional belief, verbal attacks have more impact on the victims' sense of self-worth than do physical attacks (such as punching) or attacks on property (such as stealing or the destruction of belongings). Those children who are victims of repeated verbal taunts are much more likely to suffer from lower self-esteem and posttraumatic stress. It's just one more reason to commit to parenting for this change.

One Parent's Answer

A mom from Pittsburg writes:

My seven-year-old came home in tears almost daily saying the kids were picking on her. We realized we'd protected her so much that she didn't know how to handle teasing. For the next days, my husband and I intentionally started teasing Courtney a bit more. She cried at first, but we let her know that everybody gets teased—even among friends. My husband and I even teased each other so she saw that teasing is okay, and not to make a big deal about it. I knew our ploy was working when a couple of weeks later, two girls greeted Courtney with a friendly barb. She flashed a big smile, and then whispered, "It's okay, Mommy. I know they're just playing."

Pay Attention to This!

Differences in Teasing Between Girls and Boys

Older school-age boys are more likely to tease by aiming comments at the other's area of weakness or by questioning his manhood. Calling someone "gay" and making homophobic comments increase during the tween years. Girls are somewhat more subtle in their teasing and are more likely to spread rumors and make fun of another girl's physical appearance

Signs and Symptoms

Of course all kids will be teased now and then, but researchers have discovered that some children are more likely to be picked on, teased, or called names. Here are the signs that a child is more likely to be the recipient of unfriendly teasing:¹³⁸

• Is physically weaker, smaller in size and stature; appears more vulnerable
• Is quicker to submit to the teaser's (or bully's) demands
• Rewards the teaser by showing signs of distress (cries, whines, looks upset, appears stressed)
• Lacks humor; can't pick up sarcasm
• May have few friends
• May be "different" or socially insecure and awkward
• Lacks social skills or uses inappropriate social skills to try to gain entry into a group

The Solution

Step 1. Early Intervention

• Identify the underlying reason. All kids are teased, but some more than others, usually because they are doing some behavior "too much" or to an extreme. Watch your child a bit more closely in social settings to see how he responds or how the other kids tell you he responds when teased. Is there anything he's doing that might be turning the kids off or causing them to target him? The following is a list of possible reasons. Check those that typically apply to your child:
  • Too limited in social experiences: hasn't encountered friendly bantering at home
  • Too sensitive and thin skinned: takes friendly teasing too seriously
  • Too reactive: responds by crying, whining, or threatening "to tell" or tattle to an adult
  • Too unassertive: looks like a victim—is meek, mumbles, shakes, whispers
  • Too immature: acts younger than his peers
  • Too different from the other kids: stands out, whether because of appearance or behavior
  • Too irritating: uses attention-getting behaviors to try to be included
  • Too goody-goody: is the teacher's pet, wins all the awards; kids resent all the attention
  • Too marginalized: is ostracized, targeted because he is alone and has no peer protection
  • Too impulsive: is hyperactive, flies off the handle, makes off-the-cuff remarks, looks almost comical to other kids
• Explain the two kinds of teasing. Stress to your child that all kids are teased; tell him there are two very different kinds of teasing and that he must learn to distinguish between the two. In friendly teasing, kids are having fun with you and are just being playful and joking. The intent isn't to hurt your feelings or make you sad. In unfriendly teasing, the person is making fun of you, be it your accent, weight, skin color, or glasses, and he doesn't care if he makes you feel sad or cry. Your child may need lots of talks to help him learn to distinguish the two teasing types, so plan to discuss the difference frequently. Beware: in one study of older school-age kids, 80 percent of the kids admitted to unfriendly teasing, saying their intent was to make someone else miserable.¹⁴⁰ Only 20 percent claimed to tease with a friendly intent..

Step 2. Rapid Response

• Bring it up. Kids rarely come to parents and ask for help with teasing, so turn on your radar. "You look really mad. Did someone tease you?" "Sally told me that you and Tim had a big blow-up because he was making fun of you again. Let's talk about it." The amount of teasing and kid meanness is steadily increasing. Although it won't ease the pain, it may help your child to know that he's not alone.
• Gather facts. You want to find out if this is friendly or hurtful teasing, and whether it could even be sexual harassment or bullying. (If it is, see Bullied, p. 323.) Ask your child,

"What happened?"

"Has this happened before?"

"Is it always the same kid who teases?"

"What's he teasing you about?"

"What did you say back? Did it work?"

"Is there anything you might have done differently?"

• Acknowledge feelings. Teasing can hurt, so acknowledge your child's feelings. Don't underplay your kid's hurt if he is repeatedly being teased in an unfriendly manner. The latest research using brain scans shows that our brain reacts the same way to teasing or rejection as it does to physical pain.¹⁴¹ Those verbal snubs really do hurt our kids. "You seem upset by what Scott said." "It sounds like Scarlet really hurt your feelings." "You must be really mad. Those were some pretty hurtful things your friend said to you."
• Don't play rescuer. Fight the urge to tell your child not to worry; resist that "I'll take care of it" attitude. And don't focus on what he did wrong, but instead acknowledge him for trying to deal with a tough situation.
• Talk about why kids tease. Here are some reasons elementary and middle school students say they tease:¹⁴²

To get a laugh.

Because they don't feel good about who they are, so they put the other kid down.

For attention.

They say it's just a joke, but it's really because they're mean inside.

To get even.

Because the other kids in their clique do it, and they want to be "in."

• Give your child books to read about teasing. Counselors say that reading about teasing may help your child share his concerns. Here are a few book suggestions for different ages:

Preschool: Let's Talk About Teasing, by Joy Wilt Berry; The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Teasing, by Stan and Jan Berenstain

School age: The Meanest Thing to Say, by Bill Cosby; Marvin Redpost: Why Pick on Me? by Louis Sachar; Simon's Hook: A Story About Teases and Put-Downs, by Karen Burnett

Tween: How to Handle Bullies, Teasers, and Other Meanies, by Kate Cohen-Posey; Stick Up for Yourself! by Gershen Kaufman, Lev Raphael, and Pamela Espeland.

Step 3. Develop Habits for Change

There are many things kids can do to respond to teasing, but they may not know about them. Here are some of effective comeback responses that kids say have worked for them. Share the strategies with your child, and then have him choose the one he feels most comfortable trying. Then help him practice it over and over until he feels comfortable using it in the real kid world.

• Question it. "Why would you say that?" "Why would you want to tell me I am dumb [or fat or whatever] and hurt my feelings?"
• Send a strong "I want" message. "I want you to leave me alone" or "I want you to stop teasing me." The trick is to say the message firmly so that it doesn't sound wimpy.
• Turn it into a compliment. "Hey, thanks. I appreciate that!" "That was really nice of you to notice." "Thanks for the compliment."
• Agree. "You've got that right." "One hundred percent correct!" "Bingo, you win!" "People say that a lot about me."
• Use sarcasm. "Like I would care?" "Give me a break." "Oh, that's just great." Your "look" has to match the statement: rolling your eyes and walking away can do the trick. This works usually only for older kids who understand sarcasm.
• Ignore it. Walk away without even a look at the teaser, pretend the teaser is invisible, glance at something else and laugh, look completely uninterested, or pretend you don't hear it. This one works best if your child has a tougher time delivering verbal comebacks. It works best in places where your child can escape his teasers, such as in a park or at the playground. It doesn't work in close quarters, such on a school bus or at a cafeteria table.
• Be amazed. "Really? I didn't know that." "Thanks for telling me." Sounding like you really mean it is the trick.
• Express displeasure. "It really makes me mad when you tease me like that." Or "I don't like it when you make fun of me in front of the other kids. You may think it's funny, but it's not to me." "If you want us to continue being friends, stop teasing me." If this really is your kid's friend who is causing him such distress, then encourage your child to express his displeasure.

What To Expect By Stages And Ages

Here are typical teasing behaviors you can expect, depending on your child's stage and age.¹⁴³

Preschooler   Teasing and name-calling are common, though they are generally not deliberately hurtful. Kids this age haven't learned to filter comments, so they are likely to say what is on their minds. They're more likely to tease by laughing at others, saying silly things, or sometimes making an innocent comment about something new or different about the child.

School Age   Peer acceptance becomes increasingly important, so kids may partake in teasing to demonstrate their power and connection with peers. Language skills are increasing, so school-age kids learn more subtle and hurtful ways to tease and the best places to deliver their barbs so as not to get caught by overhearing adults. They typically deny any wrongdoing if their behavior is reported by others. Common teasing issues include appearance, weight, behavior, abilities, and clothing.¹⁴⁴

Tween   Teasing at this age is more hurtful and considered verbal bullying because the intent is usually meant to embarrass, ridicule, and humiliate peers in front of others as a way to gain acceptance from a desired peer group. Tweens can pick up peer vulnerabilities and aim their barbs at those weaknesses. At this age, kids are most likely to be teased about (in descending order): appearance, abilities, identity (gender, race, religion, culture), behavior, family circumstances, possessions, opinions, names, feelings, and friends.¹⁴⁵ Boys often target the physical changes in girls' development and can use sexually explicit language in their barbs.

One Simple Solution

Teach Your Child to Look Strong from Head to Toe

Studies find that kids are more likely to be teased when they look like victims—slumped shoulders, lowered head, shaking knees, hands in pockets. So teach your child a simple solution to help him appear more confident just by changing his body language from head to toe:

Head: Stand tall and hold your head up high.

Eyes: Look your tormentor in the eye.

Voice: Speak loud enough and use a firm, strong (not yelling) voice.

Shoulders: Move closer to the teaser as you talk. Don't back away.

Hands: Take your hands out of your pockets.

Feet: Stand with your feet about twelve inches apart

One Simple Solution

The "CALM" Comeback Delivery

Teach your child these four crucial parts to deliver a comeback for maximum effect:

C – Calm down. Don't let a teaser know you're upset. Tell yourself to "chill"; take a breath.

A – Assert yourself. Choose a comeback you feel comfortable with, then stick up for yourself.

L – Look the teaser in the eye. Don't look down. Hold your head high and stand tall.

M – Mean it. Say the comeback using a determined voice. Do not insult or tease back.

More Helpful Advice

Easing the Teasing: Helping Your Child Cope with Name-Calling, Ridicule, and Verbal Bullying, by Judy S. Freedman

Mom, They're Teasing Me: Helping Your Child Solve Social Problems, by Michael Thompson and Lawrence J. Cohen, with Catherine O'Neill Grace

Stick and Stones: 7 Ways Your Child Can Deal with Teasing, Conflict, and Other Hard Times, by Scott Cooper