“We’re encouraging our son to be happy and expressive”

“My godson who is African American is a rocker,” says Felica Jones with Healthy African American Families. “We encouraged him to wear his Vans (skateboarding shoes) and ride his skateboard and play his drums, even though, growing up in the inner city, most of the kids listened to rap. By supporting him, we taught him that he could do what he liked—and, even though his interests were different, he didn’t need to look to others for validation.”

Navigating our complex world can be tough for a boy. Pressures for boys to measure up to stereotypes of masculinity may make them feel alone or angry. “Boys have feelings, thoughts, ambitions, and the capacity to make their own decisions. We need to (be) on their side, instead of trying to get them to be on our side and accept our values,” says Paul Kivel, father and author of Boys will be Men.

Parenting experts say new and non-traditional experiences can help boys strengthen their confidence and sense of self worth. Parents and educators offer advice:

Help boys follow their interests

Mother of three boys Kristen Garcia Brent says her older sons Alejandro, 6, and Santiago, 4, went through phases when they liked to play with toys usually associated with girls. But her youngest boy, Mateo, 3, “has officially progressed beyond the phase stage to a full-on obsession,” she says. She and her husband buy him princess dresses and pretend high-heels, and play dress up with him. “I feel he benefits immensely. He comes up with fantastic settings and narrates these amazing stories,” she says.

“When we go out, (Mateo) does get teased by other kids,” adds Garcia Brent. “He holds his head high and gets defiant, ‘I am a boy and a princess!’ I love that strength of character. I think people feel the need to comment because they think somehow we’re encouraging ‘gay’ behavior. Who cares? We’re encouraging our son to be happy and expressive. If it turns out one day he is gay, so be it. We want him to feel perfectly comfortable and loved, regardless of his sexual preference or whether he’s conforming to social pressures.”

Encourage nontraditional activities

For Hilleary Zarate’s birthday, she took her 7-year-old son Darrick to see The Nutcracker. “He didn’t really like it, but it showed him something new,” Zarate says. It also showed him that men dance in the ballet, just as other men become professional basketball players or police officers.  

“We need to give boys pets, plants, and dolls, too, to help develop their nurturing sides,” says Kivel, “and help them be sympathetic and responsive.” Jones adds that parents should expose their boys to many activities so they can meet “like-minded people and demystify any stereotypes.”

“Having your children participate in household chores will show your boys they need to learn to take care of themselves,” says Glo Wellman, educator with the California Parenting Institute. She suggests having the males in the boy’s life do some of the cooking and laundry—“if that’s what is modeled, it will seem bizarre when they see guys aren’t doing it.”