“My godson who is African American is a rocker,” says Felica Jones with Healthy African American Families. “We encouraged him to wear his Vans (skateboarding shoes) and ride his skateboard and play his drums, even though, growing up in the inner city, most of the kids listened to rap. By supporting him, we taught him that he could do what he liked—and, even though his interests were different, he didn’t need to look to others for validation.”
Navigating our complex world can be tough for a boy. Pressures for boys to measure up to stereotypes of masculinity may make them feel alone or angry. “Boys have feelings, thoughts, ambitions, and the capacity to make their own decisions. We need to (be) on their side, instead of trying to get them to be on our side and accept our values,” says Paul Kivel, father and author of Boys will be Men.
Parenting experts say new and non-traditional experiences can help boys strengthen their confidence and sense of self worth. Parents and educators offer advice:
Help boys follow their interests
Mother of three boys Kristen Garcia Brent says her older sons Alejandro, 6, and Santiago, 4, went through phases when they liked to play with toys usually associated with girls. But her youngest boy, Mateo, 3, “has officially progressed beyond the phase stage to a full-on obsession,” she says. She and her husband buy him princess dresses and pretend high-heels, and play dress up with him. “I feel he benefits immensely. He comes up with fantastic settings and narrates these amazing stories,” she says.
“When we go out, (Mateo) does get teased by other kids,” adds Garcia Brent. “He holds his head high and gets defiant, ‘I am a boy and a princess!’ I love that strength of character. I think people feel the need to comment because they think somehow we’re encouraging ‘gay’ behavior. Who cares? We’re encouraging our son to be happy and expressive. If it turns out one day he is gay, so be it. We want him to feel perfectly comfortable and loved, regardless of his sexual preference or whether he’s conforming to social pressures.”
Encourage nontraditional activities
For Hilleary Zarate’s birthday, she took her 7-year-old son Darrick to see The Nutcracker. “He didn’t really like it, but it showed him something new,” Zarate says. It also showed him that men dance in the ballet, just as other men become professional basketball players or police officers.
“We need to give boys pets, plants, and dolls, too, to help develop their nurturing sides,” says Kivel, “and help them be sympathetic and responsive.” Jones adds that parents should expose their boys to many activities so they can meet “like-minded people and demystify any stereotypes.”
“Having your children participate in household chores will show your boys they need to learn to take care of themselves,” says Glo Wellman, educator with the California Parenting Institute. She suggests having the males in the boy’s life do some of the cooking and laundry—“if that’s what is modeled, it will seem bizarre when they see guys aren’t doing it.”
Teach boys to think critically about stereotypes
“Parents need to teach their sons to question how the media can pass along certain attitudes,” says Wellman. “When my boys were growing up, I would ask them, ‘Is this how we do it in our family?’ because sometimes that’s all it takes for them to realize that that behavior is not in line with our expectations.”
“When they’re watching a cartoon,” suggests Kivel, families can ask “strong questions like ‘Why are all the superheroes boys? Why are the villains people of color? Are people of color bad? What happened to all the strong women?’”
Encourage your son to express his emotions
It’s important to teach boys to show emotions, says Jones, because bottling it all up can lead to anger issues. Families can show boys that what they say and feel is important by taking the time to talk out problems and listen to them. “Many young African American boys being raised by mothers also need to realize you’re not a sissy or a punk if you cry or give your mom a hug. They need to see feelings are OK and to express them is a good thing,” she adds.
Redwood City mother Michelle Lewis says she gets her sons to talk about their feelings by telling them “stories about when daddy was a boy and the trouble he got into. It reminds them that we were young too and they feel more comfortable talking to us.”
Teach conflict resolution skills
“If our boys are in an argument, one might get frustrated and pounce or wrestle with the other,” says Lewis. “A lot of times we (tell them) it’s the best thing to go into separate corners to get away from each other. It teaches them to calm down. We let them know to come and get us (for) help—before they get so fired up they want to hit. Plus, it’s important for them to know some arguments need to be buried.”
“If you have a boy who’s artsy or creative,” adds Wellman, “he needs to have the communication and problem-solving skills to stand up for himself and deflect aggression.”
Provide male role models
“We live in a cooperative where there are a lot of men who have a relationship with Darrick,” says Zarate. “He is also close with my 17-year-old brother, my father, grandfather, and my boyfriend, so he has a lot of men looking out for him.”
“Sometimes the parent or caregiver can’t identify with what makes the boy angry,” says Jones. “Somebody needs to talk with the kid to find out what is up with them emotionally—their coach, a church member. It is important for boys to develop relationships where they aren’t traditionally made so they can become (more) emotionally stable.”
Resouces
- Boys will be Men by Paul Kivel
- Raising Black Boys, as well as Motivating and Preparing Black Youth for Success by Jawanza Kunjufu
- Bringing up Boys by James Dobson
- The Wonder of Boys, by Michael Gurian
- Speaking of Boys, by Michael Thompson
- That’s My Son: How Moms Can Influence Boys to Become Men of Character by Rick Johnson
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Reprinted with the permission of the Action Alliance for Children.
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